A recovering alcoholic who is three months sober has asked for advice on supporting her 11-year-old autistic son. She entered rehab and attends AA after heavy drinking over the last two years, during which her son witnessed her out of control and developed a sense of responsibility to stop her drinking by removing bottles. She has told him repeatedly that only she can stop herself.
Her son lived with his father for a few months but returned to her care when he started high school in September. Trust is slowly rebuilding as he sees her sobriety, but he remains hyper-vigilant and anxious about her safety, leading to controlling behaviour partly due to his autism and anxiety about unpredictability. She feels guilty but knows giving in to his demands is not right parenting.
Systemic psychotherapist Rebecca Harris, an addictions specialist, advises that children need to feel safe. She notes that the son may worry about raising issues and that autism can exacerbate feelings of blame. Consistency and demonstrating improvement through actions, not just words, are crucial. Harris suggests establishing routines and using side-by-side activities like walking or driving to facilitate conversation, as minimal eye contact can be less intense for autistic individuals.
Harris also recommends considering the son’s preferred communication method, which may be written or a mix. It is important for the son to know his father’s home is a safe place, and the mother should not take it personally if he wants to go there. She should separate her needs from her son’s and avoid using him to absolve her guilt. Support groups such as Al-Anon, Nacoa, and the National Autistic Society may be helpful.
