Harry and Meghan are preparing to swap California for Britain six years after leaving royal life behind in pursuit of financial independence and a glittering media career. Their American entertainment empire has not conquered Hollywood as planned, with their Spotify deal cancelled and several Netflix projects failing to become global sensations. Britain never knowingly leaves a celebrity unemployed, according to the article.
Potential TV Shows for the Sussexes
If they need to replenish their coffers, broadcasters can offer opportunities from opening briefcases and complaining about pubic hairs in hotel beds to getting naked in front of Anna Richardson. The article imagines the couple in various TV formats.
In Four in a Bed, the duo inspect royal residences, complain about security arrangements and refuse to pay the full amount. In The Repair Shop, Harry brings in his relationship with William and Kate, a once-treasured family bond now smashed to pieces, which Will and Dominic painstakingly glue back together.
Dragons' Den and Naked Attraction
In Dragons' Den, Meghan asks for £500,000 in exchange for 2% of her company selling overpriced jam, scented candles and leftover copies of her husband's books. Peter Jones is out immediately. In Celebrity Naked Attraction, Harry's tell-all campaign reaches its logical conclusion and becomes show-all as he puts the crown jewels on public display.
In Grand Designs, the couple spend their Netflix and Spotify money converting a modest Surrey farmhouse into something resembling Buckingham Palace. Kevin McCloud pops back two years later to find them living in a static home, no longer speaking to the architect, and Harry has just lost a court case and owes the glazier thirty grand.
Location, Location, Location and Would I Lie to You?
In Location, Location, Location, Phil and Kirstie are tasked with finding the couple a secluded family home near London with seven bedrooms, bulletproof windows and no adjoining cottages occupied by relatives. In Would I Lie to You?, Harry says 'I once broke a dog bowl with my back during a fight with the future king.' Steph McGovern says it's a lie. Lee Mack and Anita Rani agree. They're all wrong.
In Who Do You Think You Are?, the spoiler alert reveals that quite a few of Harry's relatives have been kings or queens of England. In Deal or No Deal, as a briefcase model on the second series of the American version, this is a full-circle moment for Meghan, but she opens the final box and wins just £50, coincidentally the same amount Spotify offered her for another run of her podcast.
Celebrity Mastermind and Long Lost Family
In Celebrity Mastermind, the specialist subject is everything anyone has ever done to upset them, with a record score expected. In Long Lost Family, the research reveals: 'Your family isn't actually lost. They just don't really like you very much.'
In Sort Your Life Out, Stacey Solomon helps Harry and Meghan unpack 300 boxes of emotional baggage. TV programmes they are not really suited for include 24 Hours in Police Custody (best saved for another member of the family), A Place in the Sun (look what happened last time they moved to sunnier climes), and Family Fortunes (they would need to convince three other relatives to join the Sussex team). Harry and Meghan are more 'Escape the Country' types.
