If you have a problem that needs solving and you don't know where to turn, look no further. Every day, the Daily Star's very own agony aunt Jane O'Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice. From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues, drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn't slowing down. If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
I Stagger Home
I wish I'd never started my affair. My feisty mistress is too demanding. She uses sex as a weapon and wants more than I can give. I'm desperate to get my old life back, but every time I try to walk away, she threatens to ruin me and take me to the cleaners. We started sleeping together a year ago. She knew that I was married and said she just wanted some fun. At first our relationship was flirty and naughty. We'd get drunk and have sex in my car, on the beach or back at her flat. Then she announced that she was in love with me. I told her that wasn't part of the plan and she flipped out. She accused me of messing with her mind and breaking her heart so, in a moment of weakness, I 'sort of' promised to leave my wife if it would make her feel better. Now that vague promise has turned into a massive deal. She keeps making plans and talking about my divorce, our wedding and the happy life we'll lead down the line. I don't want any of this. She demands sex marathons to keep me at her flat all weekend. I stagger home on Sunday nights pretending that I've been at work.
My mistress is insanely jealous of everyone around me. I'm not allowed to go for a drink with my mates or even take my wife to a restaurant without her hitting the roof. Sometimes she turns up at my house in disguise. She pretends to have lost her dog or be collecting for charity. My wife is not stupid; I suspect she knows that something is going on. My life is intolerable and I don't know where to go from here. This woman is slowly grinding me down.
JANE SAYS:
You must find the courage to tell your wife that your life is out of control. You've been a fool; you've got yourself involved with another woman and lost your way. No excuses. The answer lies in the truth. You crossed a line and now you're very sorry. Is your long-suffering wife willing to forgive you and start again? I'm not pretending that this conversation is going to be easy, but doing nothing is not an option. Then there's your lover herself, she must be told that you cannot possibly carry on with the affair. Again, apologies are needed for giving her the wrong impression and leading her on, but it's over. It goes without saying that this affair should never have started in the first place. But the fact that your lover is playing stupid games means that everything is out of control. You must put your marriage first. Yes, you will feel humiliated and embarrassed in the weeks to come, but you'll just have to get over that and learn from this terrible experience. If your mistress is unstable or ever threatens to harm herself or do something stupid, then she needs to speak to her GP or contact The Samaritans (116 123) for support. Why did you cheat in the first place?
Risky Business
My husband and I make love at least twice a week. Sex is very important to me. I'm open with my friends about sex and they're amazed that my husband and I are so attracted to each other after many years together. But if I'm honest I want more. I crave excitement; different positions – and an element of naughtiness or even risk thrown in. The only problem is that communicating this desire to my husband, whom I have never discussed our love life with, might be tricky. I'm frightened that he'll take offence or think he's not good enough.
JANE SAYS:
It's fantastic that you and your husband enjoy such a regular sex life. Now the next step involves gently explaining to your man what you'd like to do. I know it's embarrassing and, perhaps, could come across as slightly ungrateful, but how is he supposed to know what you'd like unless you tell him? Suggest an early night and simply be honest about your needs. Tell him that you love him and cherish him and are grateful for everything he does both in and out of the bedroom. I can't believe that he'll be anything other than intrigued and completely thrilled. However, I do caution that you work out exactly what you want before talking to him, so that you've both got a goal.
Get in Line
My girl is still in contact with her ex-partner. She's dragging her heels about letting him go. She's insisting that they're just mates, but they regularly meet up frequently and text every day. Sometimes she even puts him before me. The other Friday I left work early. It was a lovely evening, and I suggested meeting at a riverside pub. But she texted back that she had to go round to HIS brother's house because she was lending him some money. What's going on?
JANE SAYS:
Why can't your girl make the break from her ex, when she knows how much their friendship hurts you? How would she like it if you continued to see someone you once slept with? Tell her that you don't accept the 'he's only my mate' line. Is this all a thrilling game to her? It's always a risk issuing a 'him-or-me' ultimatum, because you might come off the loser, but I think it's justified in this instance. If she does choose you, then insist on some significant changes and a fresh start. Sadly, if your girl continues to indulge her ex, then you must conclude that she thinks more of him than she does of you, which is unfortunate, but not the end of the world.
Clean Sweep
My boyfriend keeps accusing me of sleeping with other men. Recently I had to go on a course for work. I was half an hour late getting home (due to a cancelled train) and he accused me of having sex with my boss. It took me hours to calm him down and then he accused me of fancying our window cleaner. Why can't he trust me?
JANE SAYS:
I strongly urge you to end this ridiculous relationship and move on before this insecure idiot does some serious damage to your self-worth. If your boyfriend can't let you out of his sight without turning into a raging monster, then he's not worth bothering about. Talk to friends and family about making future plans and claim your life back. He's a liability.
