Kylie Minogue has declared that she will no longer date narcissists, calling it her "red hot 'no'" ahead of her new Netflix documentary, Kylie, a three-part series exploring her life and career. The 57-year-old Australian singer, now single, speaks about seeking a love like the one she shared with INXS frontman Michael Hutchence, whom she dated from 1989 to 1991. However, she encountered a narcissist along the way. In an interview with Sunday Times Style, she said: "Narcissists. I've dated one, and I'm very grateful I now have that knowledge."
While Kylie admits to becoming "pickier" with her romantic choices, many others are also learning to screen for narcissists in all areas of life, including love, work, family, and friendships. Having experienced narcissistic traits in a parent, the author shares her journey of recognizing these patterns. Her father exhibited narcissistic personality traits rather than the full disorder, expecting constant cheerfulness to soothe his own personal struggles, leaving her wounded and seeking therapy. She was cast as the "golden child" in a large family, striving for perfection until she eventually sought help for alcoholism at age 20.
Understanding Narcissistic Traits
Reading Kathleen Saxton's book My Parent the Peacock: Discovery and Recovery from Narcissistic Parenting helped the author understand past troublesome relationships. Saxton, a psychotherapist, explains that "covert" narcissists are often hidden in plain sight, gaining attention through subtle victimhood and manipulation. They create tension and fractures, provoking reactions that make the other person appear abusive—a phenomenon termed "reactionary abuse." Saxton notes: "Often their behaviour becomes so intolerable that we retaliate in some form—and then we are framed as being abusive. It's a normal reaction to their abnormal behaviour, and it's cumulative."
Grandiose Narcissists
The author also encountered a "grandiose" narcissist, the more well-known type, characterized by self-proclaimed brilliance, lack of empathy, and rage at criticism. This led to self-doubt and gaslighting. Saxton, whose new book Sly and Mighty: How to Recognize, Resist and Rise Above Toxic Power is out in September, says: "This type of narcissist—especially those in positions of power—begin to knock your self-esteem and belief in your skills, leaving you not feeling good enough. They make out they are incredibly special and must make you seem deficient to boost their specialness." She adds that if anyone questions their ability or threatens their power, they will be thrown under the bus, as a deflection of their fractured ego. Deep down, they are insecure and vulnerable; without ego boosts, they risk "narcissistic collapse."
How to Spot a Narcissist
So how can one gain the "knowledge" Kylie speaks of and avoid narcissists? Saxton warns: "Often they have a great charm—lovebomb us, making us feel a million dollars—and make us feel that we've finally found the one we've always been looking for." However, they quickly introduce intermittent reinforcement, alternating between intense affection and coldness to keep you off balance and emotionally dependent. Red flags include a connection that moves too fast, feels too good to be true, and initial excitement turning to anxiety. Saxton advises checking your central nervous system and being mindful of the first disagreement. "If there is a lack of accountability and responsibility and an inclination to go to victimhood or swiftly blame others, that would be a warning." Other warnings include treating feedback as criticism, multiple relationship fallouts, and frequent job changes.
Different Levels of Narcissism
Most people have some narcissistic traits, such as selfishness or a need for admiration. However, there are those with narcissistic personality (like the author's father) exhibiting daily spectrum behaviours, and those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), an extreme version present 24/7. Worse are the "dark triad" (machiavellianism, narcissism, psychopathy) and "dark tetrad" (adding sadism). While social media has raised awareness, narcissism has become a buzzword often misused. Saxton stresses the importance of getting educated correctly, avoiding well-meaning influencers without clinical understanding.
The author concludes: "I'm finally free of any narcissists in my life for the first time ever—and every day feels sunnier and lighter. My anxiety levels have disappeared, and I am not on edge, worrying about a narcissist's next move, or doubting myself, or living in emotional pain and trauma." Saxton reminds: "You are just an object in their life which they are using—and you have to play that role diligently or you'll know about it." Armed with knowledge like Kylie, the author can now sidestep narcissists forever.
