Cop This, a Channel 10 police comedy telemovie created by and starring Ed Kavalee, is an onerously unfunny affair that cannot be saved by its huge cast of seasoned comedians. The production, which feels less directed than crisis managed, features one attempted joke crash-landing into the next, the whole thing feeling like a murderously unfunny flapdoodle.
A formidable cast, wasted
The cast includes Ed Kavalee, Nicolette Minster, Ray O’Leary, Gary Sweet, Rob Carlton, Tony Martin, Anthony “Lehmo” Lehmann, Dane Simpson, Celia Pacquola, Luke McGregor, Rob Sitch, Josh Lawson, Julia Morris, Dave Hughes, Dilruk Jayasinha, Lizzy Hoo, Tommy Little, Claire Hooper, Ryan Moloney, Lawrence Mooney, Mick Molloy, Glenn Robbins, Tom Gleisner, Kate Langbroek and Grant Denyer.
Those with even a passing familiarity with local comedy would know this is a formidable collection of talent, even if most do little more than hobble around for a scene or two, looking sheepish, fruitlessly trying to inject some life into languid dialogue and limp comic scenarios.
Set on grand final day
Set on grand final day, the story revolves around a suburban police station whose staff are set to be replaced by an AI-powered terminal – essentially a tablet affixed to a cheap-looking robot. One attempted joke crash-lands into the next, the whole thing feeling like a murderously unfunny flapdoodle, staged with an astonishing kind of soullessness.
The person with the most fingerprints on the blade is Kavalee, who created, wrote, produced, co-stars in and co-directed Cop This with Peter Lawler. The latter’s directorial oeuvre – which includes The Real Housewives of Sydney, The Real Housewives of Melbourne, and episodes of Deal or No Deal – doesn’t exactly suggest the cinematic qualities that might’ve lifted the material. Although, to be fair, the accepted nomenclature used to describe motion pictures doesn’t seem entirely applicable here; the production feels less “directed” than crisis managed, though “managed” doesn’t sit right either, for reasons that soon become apparent.
Scenes and side characters
An early scene depicts a drug raid in which the head cop “Big Ben” (Lehmann) is paid off by a dealer, after his team of crack tactical response officers successfully exit their van (you have to jiggle the handle a little). The location switches to a radio station, where the hosts (Sitch and Kavalee) demonstrate their ability to speak without saying anything. Before the purpose of this scene is discerned, the action is whisked back to the raid, which looks like it was shot in a Network Ten storage room. Later, at a police press conference, Deputy Commissioner Silva (Carlton) and his colleagues introduce the aforementioned terminal, or “future of justice”.
Side characters include hardened career criminal Jayden (Sweet) and an actor, Peter King (Toby Truslove), who wants to observe actual goons for an upcoming role. He says he “doesn’t see gender” and is “anti-colonist” because he’s woke, and that’s apparently very funny.
Dialogue-based jokes fall flat
Most jokes are dialogue-based, scripted with no wit or flair. The AI terminal announces that it needs to shut down for “a quick update, brought to you by Jim’s vasectomies”. Cop Alec Hydel (Martin) has been suspended from Tinder due to an incident involving “tinted moisturiser”. Sergeant Jo Hardy (Minster) is told by a colleague that she’s “got a set big enough to be Macron’s wife”. And on and on it goes.
The most effective performer is deadpan New Zealand comic O’Leary, who plays another cop and has a genuinely funny vibe, with his slow voice, awkward mannerisms and magnificent mop of curls. But from an acting perspective, there’s something accursed and futile about this whole wretched affair – like trying to inflate a balloon with a hole in it. Most of the cast are presumably friends, and good on them for standing by their mates, even if it feels a little like ritual humiliation.
The reviewer was rooting for the robot – best to shut these cops down – and, while watching Cop This live on Channel 10, happily anticipated the ad breaks, which included superior short-form works – commonly known as commercials – from the likes of Swisse and Lite n’ Easy. Cop This is on 10 and 10play in Australia.
