After years of financial, work and child-rearing pressures killing their sex life, marriage counselling gave Henry and Kelly an insight into each other's perspective. Now, Kelly no longer wants the lights off and the covers on, and the couple have sex weekly.
Stopping initiation
Henry, 63, said he stopped trying to initiate sex after being frequently met with responses such as “my hair is a mess” or “the dishes are not done”. If it passed the six-month mark, Kelly would initiate, but he got the sense she was just playing the dutiful wife.
Henry and Kelly met in their early 20s in a gym-slash-nightclub, where she was an aerobics teacher and he was a bartender. A year after marrying, they became parents, and the sexiness got squeezed by screaming children, bills and responsibilities.
Insight from counselling
When their kids left the nest, tensions around child-rearing went away, but issues remained around how much Henry was spending and socialising. He suggested marriage counselling, where he learned that Kelly wasn't nagging him to stop spending money on golf because she was being selfish, and she realised he wasn't being selfish for wanting to spend time with friends.
It helped him see that Kelly worries about money, and her to see that he is just desperate for a bit of me time amid the chaos of everyday life.
A shift in intimacy
On a trip visiting family, three months into therapy, something changed in Kelly. She didn't care about having the lights off or the covers on. Since then, they have started having sex weekly. Kelly now gives specific directions during sex, and they are much better at communicating, even saying “let's watch TV instead” if it's not working.
Henry said not giving up on their marriage has brought them closer together. They hold hands when they walk down the street, and he feels as if he has his girlfriend back from when they first started dating.
Kelly's perspective
Kelly, 62, said she realised their two dogs were the glue holding them together since their kids had left home, after Henry replied that they would be divorced if they hadn't got dogs. It shocked her.
As they approached retirement age, Henry felt as though they were coexisting roommates rather than husband and wife. Kelly realised she needed to step up and move in that direction.
At the time, their sex life was typical of a couple who had been together for ever. Kelly, a nurse, worked night shifts and was busy attending to three children at home. She was tired all the time, and sex started to feel like a chore. She had never had a hard time orgasming, so she would come first and then count down until he finished.
Embracing fun and confidence
Last year, they started counselling and became more intentional about their relationship. Kelly realised she could hold off her orgasm and enjoy being together, shifting her perspective from thinking of sex as a chore to something fun.
She also feels more confident in her body. Seeing the recent craze of women her age getting very thin strikes her as looking frail and older, which has helped her embrace her body.
The newfound intimacy has reminded Kelly why she started dating Henry in the first place. When they met, Henry would wine and dine her, even though they were 20 and at university. No other guy had done that for her. He was fun to be around and open to new experiences, and they have rekindled that sense of fun together.
