Psychosexual therapist Natasha Silverman recently had someone contact her practice regarding their desire to engage in somnophilia – a sexual interest involving someone who is fast asleep, or pretending to be. Those with the kink either enjoy being woken up by a sex act, or like to perform them on someone as they sleep and wake up. It is popular on Reddit with 51,500 self-proclaimed somnophiles in a single thread.
The Appeal of Somnophilia
Natasha has worked with multiple couples who have openly discussed and explored somnophilia, either through simulated sleep, being woken with sexual touch or having oral or penetrative sex while one partner was genuinely asleep. The psychosexual therapist explains it is largely about the power dynamics.
“For those who enjoy having sex with someone who is asleep, the appeal can be the taboo, the spontaneity or the feeling of being trusted implicitly,” Natasha tells Metro. “But for others, it’s about control or having a completely passive partner.”
When it comes to those who want to be woken up with sex or receive sex while being asleep, this is called dormaphilia. “Partners often tell me they enjoy waking up gradually into pleasure or the feeling of being intensely desired,” Natasha explains. “It can also be about surrendering control and not having to initiate, perform or make decisions.”
The Consent Problem
Consent is the key issue, and without it, this stops being a kink and becomes sexual assault. “The biggest risk is that a sleeping person can’t truly consent, communicate pain, discomfort or fear, or that they’ve changed their mind,” she explains. “They might also wake up feeling confused and frightened, even if the idea sounded exciting beforehand.”
If you and your partner both actively want to explore somnophilia together, this needs to be discussed while you are both awake, sober and able to choose, Natasha stresses. Specifics such as what is allowed, what is off-limits, and when it might happen must be agreed upon. Casual comments like “I’d love to wake up to that” should never be taken as consent. “To consent to one act is not to consent to everything,” she explains. “And consent should always be able to be withdrawn, which makes sleeping sex ethically and legally complicated.”
In England and Wales, law states it is non-consent when someone is asleep or unconscious, so even a conversation beforehand is not a guaranteed legal safeguard. Things get more precarious when any alcohol, drugs or sedating medications are involved, and the psychotherapist worries this could also trigger past trauma, as well as disorders like sleep paralysis making it a more distressing experience.
Practicing Somnophilia as Safely as Possible
The safest option is to have your partner pretend to be asleep, when actually they are conscious and able to stop the sex at any time. Natasha says another alternative is to start with an agreed form of touch (not penetration) to wake the partner and then get their consent before proceeding any further. “Some people regularly engage in this and enjoy it,” she admits. “Others decide it isn’t for them.”
