A reader in her 40s has told agony aunt Coleen Nolan that her husband of 10 years refuses to talk about their failing marriage, making it feel like a prison sentence.
Marriage without affection
The woman, who is 40 and has no children, explained that she is tired of pretending the relationship is fine. She described the couple as a good team who share interests but said there is no affection and sex is rare.
“We're like friends with (occasional) benefits,” she wrote. “He's always been very selfish and cut off, and whenever I try to be affectionate, he tenses up or pushes me away. The constant rejection is soul-destroying and being together seems pointless.”
Husband's reaction to confrontation
According to the reader, her husband would rather ignore the problems and carry on, treating the marriage as something to be endured. She said he is bad at communicating and becomes irritated and sulks when she tries to discuss the relationship, sometimes for days, until things slowly return to normal.
“I find the way he reacts to things so childish and I'm really starting to resent him,” she added. “What's going to change things and how can I get through to him?”
Coleen's advice
Coleen Nolan suggested that the disappointment of not having children might be an unaddressed issue affecting the couple. She advised writing a letter as a way to break down communication barriers, something she has done herself.
“Start by saying that you want to talk, and you know he finds it hard, but you can't keep ignoring the problems in your marriage and, if you can't discuss it and come up with ways to make things better, then you can't carry on,” Coleen wrote. “Be really honest about how you feel. I certainly felt better for writing everything down.”
She concluded that the reader cannot fix the relationship alone and suggested counselling, but noted that unless the husband is willing to engage, a tough choice lies ahead.
