A reader nearly 30 whose first serious relationship ended after eight months says his self-esteem and confidence have dropped. He wonders how he can expect to find someone else when it took 15 years to find his first girlfriend.
Rejection is not a verdict on your value
Advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith says a person ending a relationship is not a scorecard on your value, though it feels that way. She stresses the importance of separating the pain of rejection from the pain of feeling proven 'not worth it' because only one has actually happened.
People end relationships because of the relationship itself: they felt you were not a fit with them. The same trait that makes you not fit with one person can make you a perfect fit with someone else. In the search for love, we want to find a relationship that fits, not approval.
Hope over expectation
Gordon-Smith acknowledges she cannot give the reader proof he can expect to find someone else. But she says to stay open-hearted and optimistic, you need hope, not expectation. Hope can be the motivation where expectation cannot.
Everyone in the search for love faces uncertainty that can only be bridged by choosing to pay attention to the possibility that love might work out instead of the possibility that it won't.
Self-esteem and acceptance
She also reminds the reader that self-esteem and esteem from others must be separable if either is to last. The reader said he feels 'most people' are less accepting of his shortcomings. Gordon-Smith suggests double-checking whether it is not the reader himself who is withholding the acceptance he wants.
Relationships are about finding a fit; self-esteem is about recognising worth. Neither one can replace the other.
