A woman in her 20s recently ended an affair with a married man roughly 10 years her senior. The pair met in a pub, and she did not discover he had a wife and children until their third or fourth date, by which point she had already fallen for him. She accepts the relationship was wrong but insists he lied to her from the start.
A couple of weeks before writing, she told him she would not continue seeing him unless he left his wife. He chose to end their relationship and stay with his wife, a move she says she should have anticipated but did not because she believed his lies.
Fallout and public backlash
Feeling used, let down and angry, she told people about the affair, knowing word would reach his wife, which it did. The decision backfired, and she now finds herself cast as a homewrecker, though she says that is not the full story. Her mother is furious because the affair has become a topic of gossip among her friends. She would like to disappear but cannot because she has a job and friends.
The ex sent her a horrible message saying she had ruined his life. Soon after, she came face to face with his wife in a shop, who shouted, “Oh, look, it’s the b***h who slept with my husband.” She left quickly.
Her friends and flatmates have been supportive, letting her talk, taking her out and helping her take her mind off it. She says it is not easy and is asking for help.
Coleen's advice
Coleen says responsibility for an affair lies with both people, and since the man was the one with a partner and family, he is the cause of his own ruined life. Anyone with sound judgment will understand that. She acknowledges the situation is deeply upsetting now, but it will pass, and people will eventually find another subject for gossip. The key lesson for the woman is to learn from the experience and to expect more for herself.
Coleen explains that married people who have affairs typically want to keep both their marriage and their lover, so leaving his wife was probably never a real option. He has demonstrated his character, and if they had gotten together, he would very likely have cheated on her as well. Relationships that begin as affairs often fail once they become official, because the couple then has to cope with everyday pressures. Coleen says the chance of a happy ending with this man was less than zero.
She advises the woman to focus on the future, apply the lessons learned, appreciate the loyal friends who have supported her, leave the man to resolve things with his wife and move forward with her life.
