In the latest Just Jane advice column, a reader describes being used for sex by a woman he has grown up with and fancied since he was 16. She knows he wants a proper relationship, but after four years of secret meetings she still gives him only quick encounters and empty promises.
Secret sexual relationship
The woman visits several times a week and orders him around, involving role-playing, naked wrestling and every sexual position imaginable. He calls himself her facilitator and human sex toy. She complains her current partner is hopeless in bed, lacking imagination and refusing oral pleasure, and the partner has no idea about the affair.
She cannot explain why she stays with him, but the reader suspects it is because the partner has money and knows many people. She recently admitted she made a mistake moving into his swish apartment, but she has grown used to a fridge full of fizz and luxury holidays. She says she feels trapped and calls the reader her escape, but that does not make him feel better. Her closest friends are split: half say she should stay with the rich man, the others back the reader.
Jane says
Jane tells him he is dazzled by a colourful woman. They are sexually attracted to each other, but he must accept she will never be his alone. Her partner may be a washout in bed, but she is used to his money, status and bling. The reader gives her the sex she craves in a sordid, cloak-and-dagger way. She tiptoes round to his place whenever the coast is clear and uses him.
Jane says he is her bit on the side, her bad habit, and she loves the thrill and naughtiness of it all. But these games are doing nothing for his self-esteem. She advises him to cut the tie and move on, telling the woman the situation cannot continue. She is sexy and fascinating and fun, but she is no good for him. He needs comfort, company and love, and should find someone who loves and respects him.
Perfectionist's dilemma
Another reader writes in as a self-described perfectionist who is frequently disappointed. He expects certain standards of excellence from people, but everyone from his partner to his bosses lets him down, leaving him anxious and frustrated. His partner tells him to chill out, but he cannot. He asks why other people cannot try harder and strive for perfection like he does.
Jane says a certain amount of pressure is good for us, and having high standards and thinking ahead are valuable qualities. But constantly beating yourself up and looking for problems can only bring you down. She suggests looking back six months and asking whether old worries are even relevant now. If he is stressed, she advises seeing a GP, and also finding relaxing activities that give him a lift and force him to stop and smell the roses.
