Three years ago, a reader’s marriage broke down after her husband left her for their au pair. At the time, she thought they were really happy until the au pair came along. She worked full-time a few miles away, while her husband ran his own company from home, which meant he spent a lot of time with the au pair. She often arrived home after a hard day to piles of untouched washing and ironing, but he always defended the au pair, saying she had been busy doing “other things”.
He eventually announced he was leaving to start a new life with her, which devastated the reader. The couple are still together and, by all accounts, very happy. Her children adore her, so she tries to be grown-up about it and never shows how upset she is when they go to their dad’s.
Avoiding serious relationships
Since the split, the reader has avoided serious relationships and says she is not interested in settling down with anyone. She doesn’t want to compete with her ex in the “happy families” stakes. She says she is not unattractive and has no shortage of dates, but finds most of the guys she meets don’t take her seriously when she says she only wants sex and a good time, nothing more. A lot of men want to “fix” her or try to convince her they could make her happy again.
“I honestly only want casual sex without any hassle, but it’s harder than I imagined it would be,” she writes.
What Laura advises
Laura Collins, a counsellor and columnist, says the surface problem is the reader’s struggle to find men who only want no-strings sex. She suggests looking at what is really going on: when a marriage breaks up, there is often a grieving period because the future life you dreamed of has gone forever. Laura suspects the reader actually does want a loving relationship, but doesn’t feel positive about the prospect, perhaps because she is afraid to get “back in the game” after experiencing how distressing it is when things go wrong.
Laura says part of that fear includes feeling she has to compete with her ex and his wonderful new life. Her advice: she doesn’t, and it probably isn’t always as wonderful as she imagines. Laura recommends counselling to help unravel all these emotions. Talking to friends can help, but in her view nothing beats time spent with a professional.
If, after a few sessions, the reader still only wants a “friend with benefits”, that is fine, Laura says. There are men out there who want the same, but she may need to review the type she dates. In the meantime, Laura advises not letting what happened before define her future, and opening herself up to other possibilities. She deserves to be happy, and her children deserve a happy mum.
