A mother is struggling with a friend who has become too present in her life, using the close friendship between their 15-year-old daughters to stay involved. The friend, whose daughter has been friends with the woman's daughter since reception class, turns up unannounced and expects to be invited in for coffee or a drink, often staying for hours even when the family is making or eating dinner.
The woman says she has tried backing off and becoming less available, but the friend now organises days out and sleepovers, claiming the girls have arranged them themselves. She does not want to damage the daughters' long-standing friendship, but finds the mother's behaviour overwhelming, adding that her friend seems to have no boundaries or awareness of how other people might feel.
The friend also allows her own daughter to do things the woman does not permit, such as drinking alcohol at parties and travelling alone, and makes the woman feel 'really boring' when she refuses. Coleen says the friend clearly feels comfortable sitting down for hours, so the mother must tell her directly that this is not acceptable.
Stick to your guns
On the 'boring mum' issue, Coleen advises sticking to her guns and not worrying about what other families allow. She recalls her daughter Ciara once complaining about a restriction, and her response: "While I love all your friends and would be so upset if anything happened to them, if anything happened to you my life would be over and, while I can control things, that's what I'm going to do."
What to say
Coleen suggests telling the friend: "If I find out my daughter is drinking or staying out late when she's at yours, she won't stay again." For assertiveness, she recommends phrases like "I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me" or "Sorry, I'm not available."
Don't over-explain
Providing reasons or excuses gives the friend room to find a way around them, Coleen says. The mother does not owe an explanation or a justification for being unavailable. "You're not free. End of story," she adds. If the friend has a problem with the new boundaries, that is hers to deal with, and even a fall-out would not necessarily be the end of the world.
