A woman who had a brief affair with a married man – a friend of a friend – is dreading a friend's 40th birthday party, where the man and his wife are expected to be. In a letter to Coleen, she says all her guilt and shame are catching up with her, and she is unsure whether to speak to them or ignore them.
The reader's dilemma
The reader explains that the affair happened a few years ago, when she was recently single and hurting. She admits she was not bothered about who else she might hurt, including his wife and children, but she regrets it now. She has been in a good relationship for a while.
She does not want a weird vibe at the party, for the sake of her friend who is hosting it. She has thought about not going, but believes her friend would be upset if she bailed. Her boyfriend will be with her, which makes her feel slightly better. As far as she knows, the man and his wife are happy again, and she does not know whether the wife ever found out about the affair. She assumes the wife does not know, otherwise she probably would not want to attend.
Coleen's advice: feign illness and stay away
Coleen says that if it were her, she would feign illness and avoid the situation. She warns that at a party where alcohol is involved, it only takes one comment from someone to blow things up, and it is not worth it. The situation is unpredictable, she notes.
Coleen advises the reader to consider whether the friend hosting the party knows about the affair. If she does, the reader should say that on reflection she would not be comfortable and does not think it would be fair to put the man's wife in that situation either. If the friend does not know, the reader can say she has a sickness bug and does not want to spread it around, and offer to take her out to celebrate another time.
Above all, Coleen says the reader should think about the man's wife. Even if the wife does not know about the affair, it might come out down the line. She would then look back and remember that they were all in the same room at the party, which would be horrible and humiliating. Coleen's message is clear: do not put her in that position. If the reader is genuinely remorseful and has empathy for the wife, she should take herself out of the equation. The friend will get over it, and there will be plenty of other people there to celebrate with her.
A word on digital boundaries
Coleen also offers advice on achieving more peace and less stress by creating digital boundaries. That means having phone-free zones at home, such as the bedroom and the dinner table, avoiding social media at weekends, and setting screen-time limits.
