A woman has written to advice columnist Coleen about her frustration with her husband's best friend, who repeatedly makes inappropriate comments about women in her presence, despite being married to a kind woman.
She explained that during a recent group outing, the friend commented on another woman's attractiveness while his wife was out of earshot. When she reminded him he was married, he replied, “I’m well aware of that” and continued.
Husband's dismissive response
The woman said she hates how much her husband spends time with this friend, but when she raises the issue, her husband dismisses it, saying, “He’s just joking, he’d never do anything” or “He’s a bit of a prat, but it’s just the way he’s always been”.
She asked, “Am I overreacting to this? I don’t think so. However, I’m aware that I can’t really tell my husband who to be friends with.” She added that she does not want to be in his company, but it is tricky because he is part of a larger friend group. She also considered telling his wife about his behaviour, but worried about causing drama.
Coleen's advice: Call it out and step back
Coleen advised the woman to continue not excusing the behaviour. “Walk away, don’t laugh at his ‘jokes’ and if he says anything in your company that you find offensive or inappropriate, call it out. Let him know that it’s not OK to speak like that in front of you and, hopefully, the penny will drop.”
She described the friend as “peacocking and showing off when his wife isn’t around, which is really just a bit sad and immature”. Coleen noted that just because the husband has been friends with him for a long time does not mean he agrees with his behaviour.
She recommended that if the woman truly does not want to be around him, she should not be. “Your husband can see him for a drink on his own.”
On the question of telling the wife, Coleen advised against it, saying “there’s a high chance she already knows what he’s like and it might just cause bad feeling between the two of you”.
She concluded, “Unfortunately, we can’t pick who our partners are friends with, but you don’t have to get too involved. Quietly remove yourself from gatherings or, if you are out and he’s there, do your best to ignore him. It sounds like he’s the only one being a prat!”
