In a recent letter to agony aunt Jane O'Gorman, a 30-year-old woman described being bullied by her boyfriend into kinky sex and giving him endless loans, while also being pushed around by colleagues and family. She asked why she doesn't get the respect she deserves, comparing herself to actress Anya Taylor-Joy, who overcame childhood bullying to become a Hollywood star.
Jane's Advice: Dump the Toxic Partner
Jane O'Gorman advised the woman to find the strength to end the relationship with her boyfriend, who is draining and using her. She stated, 'If he views you as a ‘soft touch’ then you and he are never going to achieve a healthy relationship.' Jane suggested that getting back the money loaned is unlikely, and the woman may have to accept the loss.
Jane emphasised the need for the woman to take time to reflect on her identity and what she deserves, building confidence and faith in herself. She recommended cutting out toxic people who treat her unkindly and setting clear boundaries with family members.
Standing Up at Work and Home
Jane advised the woman to make it clear that teasing, sarcastic comments, and demanding behaviour must stop. 'Start showing your teeth so that folks sit up and start taking you seriously,' she wrote. She stressed that the woman does not need to be confrontational or rude, but strong and resolute, without having to justify herself.
In the workplace, Jane suggested focusing on tasks, keeping personal life private, and not engaging with bullies. She recommended keeping a diary of bullying incidents and escalating grievances to a boss, HR, or union. 'Everyone needs to understand that you are a force to be reckoned with,' Jane said.
Turning from a People Pleaser
Jane identified the woman's biggest crime as being a 'people pleaser' who always tries to keep the peace. She urged the woman to toughen up, noting that she may lose certain people along the way. 'Your self respect is fragile and precious. You need to safeguard it at all costs because no one has the right to make you feel second best,' Jane wrote.
Jane referenced Anya Taylor-Joy, who achieved confidence by realising her worth and saying 'Enough!' Jane also provided the National Bullying Helpline (nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk, 0300 323 0169) for information and advice on dealing with bullying.
