Amanda Stanhope, a mother from Manchester, endured years of sexual abuse at the hands of her fiancé, who raped her while she was unconscious after taking sleeping tablets. She was initially diagnosed with pseudodementia, a reversible condition mimicking dementia, because she could not remember the assaults. Her partner was charged with four counts of rape and one of assault by penetration by Greater Manchester Police, but he took his own life before the case reached court.
How they met
Amanda was a mother-of-two when she met her abuser while dancing with her daughter. She recalled on the Anything Goes with James English podcast: "He just stared. When I say stared – more like glared. He just obsessively stared all night." After four hours, he kissed her without speaking. Despite discovering he was married, she ended contact, but he later said he had left his wife and was homeless. Feeling sorry for him, she let him move in.
Red flags and escalation
The first three months were idyllic, but then he became controlling. While out dancing, he yanked her into a car park and verbally abused her for dancing with another man. Amanda said: "I had no idea where it came from." Despite her instincts to leave, the relationship continued for another five years.
One year in, he began making insinuations each morning: "You had a good time last night." She could not remember any intimacy and feared she had Alzheimer's. She was prescribed antidepressants and sleeping tablets. She noticed bruises on her arms and legs and would wake to find a towel beneath her that she had not placed there.
Pseudodementia diagnosis
Two years into the relationship, Amanda was diagnosed with pseudodementia, a condition where dementia-like symptoms are triggered by depression and psychological distress. She described her partner as a "monster" when his mood changed. During a hotel break, she took an overdose of sleeping tablets to escape his mental torture. When she came round, he was slapping her and having sex with her while she could not move. She said: "I thought I was in a nightmare... I didn't know if I was dead at that point." She confronted him, and he apologised, promising it would never happen again.
Police involvement and charges
A year later, she awoke to him raping her again. She finally ended the relationship, but he threatened suicide and she let him stay on the couch. She woke to him raping her again, which gave her the strength to report it. It took two years and three months for charges to be brought. Six weeks later, he took his own life. Amanda said: "I was so angry because of what he put me through. I'd gone through all that with the police for nothing."
A Greater Manchester Police spokesperson said: "It is to our regret that Ms Stanhope did not get to see justice fully served... We have written to her to apologise for areas where our service fell below that she had every right to expect." The force said it has made changes to improve timeliness on investigations of such serious crimes.
Campaign #EndEyeCheck
Inspired by Gisele Pelicot, Amanda joined forces with Zoe Watts, who was also raped by her husband while she slept. Their campaign, #EndEyeCheck, challenges a system that they say enables men to drug and rape their partners. The campaign website states: "An online academy is training men how to drug and rape their wives. We're two survivors and we're taking on the system that enables it."
If you or somebody you know has been affected by this story, contact Victim Support for free, confidential advice on 08 08 16 89 111 or visit their website.
