A woman who says her parents tortured, shaved her head and attempted to exorcise demons from her has described how she escaped a forced marriage by devising a secret plan to return to the UK. Aisha, now a young professional, spoke to The Mirror ahead of the International Day Commemorating the Victims of Acts of Violence Based on Religion or Belief on August 22.
Aisha said she began to realise her parents were different from those of her friends at around age 13. One of her earliest memories is trying to stop a fight between her mother and father, a role she says she took on for the "entirety of her life". She was subjected to physical blows and mental torture, including having her head shaved, and was forced to take part in practices intended to drive out 'demons'.
Childhood Abuse and Control
"There was also little rhyme or reason to physical discipline in our house. I used to get beaten for a lot of little things," she told The Mirror. "At some point in my early teens, I just stopped fearing physical discipline. I grew numb to it and just stopped feeling any pain when it happened. I actively wanted to die every single day."
The beatings continued until Aisha left secondary school. Even when she moved to the UK for university, her parents' cruelty followed her, driving her to the point of suicide. Aisha described her upbringing as "confusing": outwardly progressive, with daughters studying abroad and relaxed rules on modest dressing, but a different story behind closed doors.
Between the ages of 11 and 16, Aisha said she would be verbally or physically abused for "seemingly normal things like wanting to go out with my friends, speaking to male classmates and certain male relatives, having normal teen interests and interactions." Her Muslim religion was distorted and used as a means of control. "I was also raised on the idea that if anything displeases my mum, then God will be angry, and his anger comes with Hell and Hell on earth," she said.
Escape and Recovery
Aisha struggled with her mental health from age 12. When she tried to talk about it, she was met with hostility for being "ungrateful" and "western". She was subsequently forced into spiritual practices to cast out demons and had her head shaved forcefully once as a ritual to rid her of suicidal thoughts. At the time, she didn't realise she was being abused. "I knew it wasn't fine. My home situation wasn't great. I didn't feel good at home. I didn't feel safe emotionally. But I also thought, well, I have a roof over my head, I have clothes, I travel," she said.
The truth began to dawn after she left for university in the UK. "I just never wanted to go home. I never wanted to call home either. It kind of had to be something that I had to mentally prep for. And that wasn't the reality for anyone else around me - not my friends, not my other relatives."
Her parents eventually cut her off financially and arranged an introduction to a potential husband. Aisha said he made her feel "emotionally unsafe". She applied for a master's degree in the UK and, by a "miracle", was allowed to return. But the pressure intensified. "It stopped being a conversation with me in it; it was a conversation about me," she said. "It was essentially, 'You're going to get married to him, and your dreams and ambitions, you put that to the side.'"
As her family closed in, Aisha doubled and tripled her existing medication dosage. She began contemplating suicide, stopped only by the fear of traumatising a relative. Seeking help at A&E, the severity of her situation became apparent. She interviewed for a job but, facing homelessness, was forced to fly back home - this time with a plan.
Support and New Life
Before returning, Aisha made contact with Savera UK, a charity working to end honour-based abuse (HBA). She had to put her passport in a different town, and relatives booked her tickets. While visiting a relative in another state, she learned she had gotten the job. Her relative booked her a flight to the capital, from which she flew to Heathrow. She checked in with Savera UK, letting them know when she'd be returning.
Now back working in the UK, Aisha is moving forward with her recovery. She still doesn't have a good relationship with her mother but speaks to her dad occasionally. She has been gradually tapering off her antidepressants and is mentally in a much better place. "I still do believe in God," she says. "Just not how my parents raised me and obviously not how it was weaponised against me as well."
Urging others not to "suffer in silence", Aisha said: "There should be more awareness around cases where there's more nuance, where things are happening that people might miss, or you might not be sure are wrong, but they feel wrong."
Savera UK CEO and Founder, Afrah Qassim, said: "There is no religion that promotes abuse or harm, just people who use religion to justify or excuse abuse. No one should ever experience abuse because of their religion or beliefs, nor should anyone have their religion used against them to harm or control. Religious and spiritual abuse is a common characteristic in 'honour'-based abuse, yet it is often hidden or not recognised, meaning that many people are suffering in silence."
Last year, Savera UK saw a 122 per cent increase in referrals for spiritual abuse, which means that things are changing, but there is still a long way to go. This is why it is so important for stories like Aisha's to be heard, so that they can be identified and people experiencing it can find appropriate help to escape their abusive situations and live a safe, free and independent life.
