A woman in her early 30s has written to psychotherapist Philippa Perry asking whether it is unreasonable to confront her partner about his tendency to stare at other women when they are out together. The woman, who has been with her partner for three years, said the habit made her feel "a punch in the gut" and left her feeling vulnerable.
The woman explained that her partner is "kind, emotionally intelligent, interesting and handsome", and that she does not mind him looking at other women when she is not around. However, she struggles when he continues to stare while they are together, saying that their conversations dry up and she feels she is not up to his standards.
In her response, Perry said the woman's feelings were valid and that she should talk to her partner about how his behaviour affects her. She suggested having the conversation when both are calm, and explaining that the staring makes her feel "unlovable, unattractive, insecure and vulnerable". Perry also warned against jumping to conclusions, noting that just because he stares does not mean he does not find her attractive.
Perry said the woman's main problem might be a lack of entitlement to discuss her concerns, and gave her permission to talk about whatever she wants. She added that changing a habit takes practice, so the woman may need to remind her partner more than once. The woman is currently addressing self-esteem issues in personal therapy, and Perry said that if the partner is emotionally intelligent, he should respect her feelings and make an effort to stop the staring.
