A man in his early 30s is struggling with a moral dilemma after his best friend confessed to sleeping with a co-worker while in a long-term relationship with the man's old friend.
The reader, writing to agony aunt Coleen Nolan, says his 32-year-old mate is 'doing his best to blow his life up' – drinking too much, getting into scrapes, and acting like he's back at university. He suspects the behaviour is linked to his friend's new job and a desire to impress younger colleagues.
A difficult position
The reader has already tried talking to his friend, but feels he owes it to the girlfriend – whom he cares about and describes as 'the loveliest girl' – to tell her the truth. He is disgusted by the behaviour and doesn't want her to get hurt, especially since she is also an old friend. His female friends all think he should say something, but he's unsure.
Coleen's advice
Coleen advises trying to talk to the friend again, this time explaining that he's put the reader in a difficult position because his girlfriend is also his friend. She warns of the 'shoot the messenger' risk – the girlfriend could be devastated, then make up with her boyfriend, leaving the reader ostracised.
Coleen also suggests reminding the friend that affairs usually come to light, as gossip spreads. She advises telling him that if it happens again, the reader doesn't want to know. 'Maybe his younger colleagues are impressed, but you're not,' she writes.
Personal experience
Coleen shares her own experience of losing friends who knew about her husband's affair but couldn't tell her. They stopped coming for Sunday dinner, which confirmed her suspicions. When they spoke later, they explained they couldn't sit at her table pretending everything was OK. She respected them for that, and suggests the reader could take a similar stance – 'not sit at their table' – as a way of showing disapproval without betraying a confidence.
