A woman in her early 30s has written to Coleen Nolan seeking advice on whether it's possible to fall back in love with her husband. Despite having no children, full-time jobs, and financial stability, she describes feeling "bored, unhappy and lonely" in her marriage.
She explains that while she loves and cares for her husband, she is no longer "in love" with him, and the relationship lacks passion. The couple rarely have sex, and she admits to wishing he would do something awful, such as getting into debt or having an affair, to give her a reason to end the marriage.
The Reader's Dilemma
The reader says: "It feels like we’re just treading water, but how can I tell him I’ve fallen out of love with him?" She describes her husband as someone who seems content with the status quo, with no big plans, passions, or interest in having children.
She wants more from both the relationship and life in general, noting that things were once good but that he has changed. She is struggling to work out where things went wrong and is seeking guidance on what to do next.
Coleen's Advice: Start Talking
Coleen advises that the first step is to talk to him. She points out that suppressing feelings and letting things drift means he likely believes everything is fine. Drawing on her own experience, Coleen recalls how in her last marriage she was frustrated by coming home to an empty fridge after working away all week.
She shares that a therapist she saw for a Channel 5 show asked, "Have you ever said anything to your husband?" When Coleen replied, "I shouldn’t have to; he should think about it," the therapist responded, "But he doesn’t and he’s not a mind reader."
Coleen emphasises that communication is everything, and since that realisation, she has become much better at voicing issues, making life easier.
A Coward's Way Out
Coleen tells the reader that thinking she has fallen out of love but dealing with it alone, hoping he does something catastrophic like having an affair, is "a coward’s way out" because it avoids taking responsibility for ending the marriage.
However, she suggests that admitting how she feels and giving him a chance to change things might prevent the end of the relationship. She notes that growing apart can make it harder to end a relationship, and people can hang on longer than they should, hoping things magically change.
But Coleen concludes that growing apart is reason enough to end it – no other reason is needed. She advises having the conversation first and giving it one last shot after he knows how she feels.
