Calves burning. Literally. Gasping for breath in the 90-degree North Carolina heat. Soaked in sweat. Jeez, you know you have got to lose a stone or three when you are being suffocated by a bib. My mind tells me I have got one more lung-bursting run or killer pass in the locker. My body tells me I am kidding myself on. At least now I have got an idea of how John McGinn or Scott McTominay feels, trying to play in these sweltering temperatures.
Do not worry, I have not earned a late call-up to Steve Clarke's Scotland World Cup squad because one of our top boys has picked up an injury. The likes of Lennon Miller who were left behind might be just ahead of me in the pecking order. But on Wednesday, I got a taste of what Clarke's boys will go through in America in the big Scottish Media v SFA challenge match.
Initially, I was not up for it. After our dinner at Capital Grille in Charlotte the night before - which may have involved a light refreshment - it was not exactly ideal preparation. But when Charlotte FC's Scottish technical director, Tommy Wilson, handed me a brand new pair of Adidas boots at the training ground, I was in. The only stipulation in my bumper one-hour contract was the defibrillator installed at the side of the pitch and an ambulance close by.
Just like Scotland's opening Group C clash against Haiti on Saturday night, the SFA were odds-on favourites for this one, with the press pack rank outsiders. After all, they had two ex-pros in their side: former Hamilton Accies powerhouse Simon Mensing and ex-Dundee midfielder Jim McAlister who are both part of Scotland's backroom team. But when big Alan Pattullo, nicknamed Sir Bruce, chased down their keeper and forced the ball home from about a yard out - we got our noses in front early on. It was hardly a thing of beauty but we were not complaining. Sir Bruce was now called Sir Daizen, thanks to his heat-defying Maeda-style pressing. Sky Sports' Luke Shanley, aka The Cat, produced a man-of-the-match display with a string of top saves and we eventually ran out 5-4 winners in a closely-fought contest.
Let us hope the Haitians do not pull off a similar shock result this weekend. By the end, I was starting to feel light-headed and turning a worrying shade of pinky purple. Bodies collapsed to the turf in triumph, with only one thought - thank f**k we had rolling subs.
Charlotte Base Camp Impresses
Seriously though, it capped off a brilliant first few days at the Atrium Health Performance Park, where Clarke and his squad are based during the World Cup. The facilities are top-notch. But more importantly, after a temporary stay in Fort Lauderdale and then the hustle and bustle of New Jersey, Charlotte now feels like home for the Scots. The city is spotless, modern and has a vibrant centre. It is one of America's banking hubs, so there is a business-like element to it as well.
Because it is not a World Cup venue, the players can relax and they are free to venture out from their hotel. Charlotte FC, thanks to Tommy - an ex-team-mate of Clarke at St Mirren - have been terrific hosts. The media centre they have set up has everything we need. A press conference room, WiFi, private pods to work in, a fridge full of water and juice. And the most important thing of all. Scran. The spread they put on for us is fantastic. From bacon and egg wraps to blueberry muffins and giant cookies, we are well catered for. I think there might be pasta and fruit salad as well. So someone told me, anyway.
Compared to the grey meatballs and lumpy mashed potato on offer at our Garmisch-Partenkirchen base during Euro 24 in Germany, it is a definite upgrade. Genuinely, the staff at Charlotte FC could not be more helpful. John and Woody, their press guys, have actively tried to facilitate interviews for us with the likes of Tommy, Gary Dicker and ex-Aston Villa gaffer Dean Smith who is in charge of the MLS side. Dare I say it, but they put some of our media teams from big clubs back home to shame. Scotland would have struggled to pick a better base camp.
Celebrity Encounters
And as my Daily Record colleague Keith Jackson and I discovered, Clarke's players are not the only celebrities in town this week. It takes a lot for the bold Jacko to be starstruck, given the football personalities he has interviewed in his 52 years at the Record. But when we walked into Connolly's pub the other night, he genuinely got a bit giddy. We could not believe our eyes when we saw comedy stars Rob Beckett and Romesh Ranganathan standing at a table, having a beer and watching the NBA basketball finals on the TV. Thankfully, the pair of them recognised us from Hotline Live and... OK, that might be a bit of a crank. But to be fair to them, they were brand new when yours truly asked for a picture. Jacko is a big fan so he was too excited and could not get the words out.
It topped off what was a cracking night, where earlier Charlotte FC - along with the SFA - asked us if we fancied some free beer and pizza. Our answer to that question was along the lines of: Does Rambo carry a knife? So it was probably unfair that we then repaid them by stuffing them at the football. There might be a rematch next week, if my Achilles stops throbbing and I recover from sunstroke in time to pass a late fitness test. But for now, we have got a World Cup opener to win against Haiti. So Boston, here we come.
