More and more women are ending marriages in midlife, partly because the institution itself is 'outdated', according to author and spiritual guide Karen Ruimy, who has observed what she describes as a 'profound cultural shift'. Like so many people, Ms Ruimy's work went online during the pandemic. A spiritual teacher for more than 30 years, she started to host increasingly digital workshops, mostly attended by women. Within these spaces and in her face-to-face work once restrictions lifted, she began noticing a change. Where once women often stayed in unhappy marriages, more were starting to walk away.
A Pause for Reflection
'Covid gave us all a pause; the wheel of life stopped and something shifted as people saw things more clearly,' says Ms Ruimy, 61, who is based between London and Marrakech but sees clients worldwide. 'Women in midlife particularly have begun to say "enough". But while all the individual stories are painful, it's about something much bigger. With the world in crisis in so many ways, and the dominance of war, division and suppression, there is a lot of pain. Emotional crisis sparks awakening.' She adds: 'A profound shift of consciousness is beginning and women in particular are realising that there is another way to live.'
Statistical Evidence
What Ms Ruimy has noticed in her spiritual practice is backed by research. The rise of 'walkaway wives' is a phenomenon that statisticians and lawyers have noted. In recent years, around 63 per cent of divorce petitions have been filed by wives, according to Stowe Family Law. Research released late last year by NOON for Mishcon de Reya and Julius Baer International found that nearly 56 per cent of midlife women would end a marriage simply because they felt unhappy. The survey of 2,000 midlife women also revealed other insights. While almost a quarter said affairs were the reason for marriage breakdowns, just as many cited falling out of love. Over half (55 per cent) of women said there was no longer a stigma about getting divorced, and almost a third said they were happier than ever after separation.
The Midlife Pinch Point
Ms Ruimy believes the emotional factors driving these statistics are critical. While women's increased economic independence is a factor, she says there is a particular midlife pinch point. 'It's a very specific point for many women,' she explains. 'Their children have grown and the day-to-day care demands are lessening. Menopause also means shifting into who we really are as women and really experiencing the wisdom we possess. With all the fear of ageing, the tears and pain that come with emotions rising to the surface, there is also a moment when many women want to finally know who they are after years of caring for others.'
'A huge power comes with that and once women have grabbed that piece of themselves, they can't go back because they know their marriage is not working anymore. Suddenly there is an awakening. They've had a job, they've had children, but their husband doesn't know them. And many women are now asking themselves: "Do I want to keep lying to myself, believing in a system that's not loving me or listening to me? Or do I want more?"'
Is Marriage Outdated?
A key factor, says Ms Ruimy, is that marriage is in many ways 'outdated'. We are living longer: 50 years ago, average life expectancy in the UK was 72; today it's 82. When you still have half a life ahead, people are increasingly asking how they want to live it. The dominance and division characterising modern life are also vital to understanding the walkaway wife phenomenon. 'All of us, men and women, have been taught to live in very confining ways,' she says. 'There is still a strong belief that men are the principal financial providers for families and women do the caring. But while this gives us a feeling of safety, it's also a prison.'
'The needs of both men and women are evolving and relationships should be a place of respect, companionship and love. But so many marriages after 20 years are more about keeping things viable than enjoyable and that doesn't work for so many women anymore.'
A Long Overdue Reckoning
Ms Ruimy describes this as 'a long overdue reckoning, a crisis of conscience, because we've limited both men's and women's expression for too long in very reductive identities. They can see that the nine-to-five job and usual marriage aren't enough. We've all become dislocated from ourselves and our true feelings. There is so much pain in the world and we are all feeling it.'
But why are women in particular choosing to exit partnerships? 'Most marriages are more beneficial for men because women are only allowed the freedom of self-expression once everything is done in the home,' says Ms Ruimy. 'And there is often very little space for that because the caring role is so demanding.'
'I think spirituality and community are very feminine energies that they are tapping into. So while the trend of women walking away is very shocking to society and can be viewed with fear, it's also an empowering moment. Women are finding out who they are, no longer afraid of losing comfort and security, and starting to empower themselves.'
