America turns 250 this weekend, and the official celebrations have been widely criticized as lackluster and unappealing. Millions of dollars have been spent on events such as a UFC fight, a car race, and a PragerU Freedom Truck tour, but many Americans find little to enjoy. As one commentator notes, 'Like every birthday, a lot of money has poured into a day where no one has any fun.'
A Disappointing Array of Events
The planned festivities include a miniature wooden arch, a state fair with a malfunctioning ferris wheel, and a pool of green slop. These offerings have been compared unfavorably to a $50 Roblox gift card and a hug. The author, Dave Schilling, expresses his disinterest in the official program, stating he didn't watch the UFC event and has no desire to see cars driving in circles.
Schilling, who also dreads his own upcoming 42nd birthday, argues that the nation's 250th birthday deserves more thoughtful gifts. He proposes three major changes to commemorate the occasion in a meaningful way.
Gift One: Abolish the Electoral College
Schilling's first suggestion is to eliminate the electoral college, calling it 'a real pain' that forces Americans to do math every four years. He points out that the system gave Donald Trump the presidency in 2016 despite him losing the popular vote. As an alternative, he humorously suggests picking the president through a marathon session of Dungeons & Dragons, with John Roberts as dungeon master, which he claims would be more entertaining than the 2000 election.
Gift Two: Make Puerto Rico a State
His second gift is to grant statehood to Puerto Rico, which is currently a US territory with a unique culture and predominantly Spanish-speaking population. Schilling notes that the US controls 14 territories, five of which are inhabited. He also suggests adding Guam, joking that 'we're due for a new flag anyway' with room for more stars.
Gift Three: A New Season of Game of Thrones
The most important gift, according to Schilling, is to force HBO to produce a ninth season of Game of Thrones. He argues that many Americans were unsatisfied with the show's ending and that a new season could bring the country together. He proposes using AI to generate 10 episodes to save production costs, despite potential issues with poor renders and cliché fan service. 'If we're trying to be patriotic and give back to our beautiful nation, the best thing we can do is finally make something with the billions of dollars that have been invested into artificial intelligence,' he writes.
A Personal Celebration Plan
Schilling concludes by outlining his own plans for the Fourth of July: buying a 30-pack of beer, locking his door, binging Theo Von podcasts, and betting his life savings on Donald Trump dancing to YMCA during his speech. He describes this as a combination of 'hiding, irrational optimism, and terrible financial decisions' — which he considers quintessentially American.
While the official celebrations may be disappointing, Schilling's satirical suggestions highlight a desire for more meaningful and unifying ways to mark the nation's semiquincentennial.
