For years, the reader and her sister have been responsible for taking their mother on holiday. Now, with a significant birthday approaching, the mother expects another trip abroad. The reader has three other siblings who have never taken their mother on holiday. When she spoke to one brother about it, he dismissed the request and called her a fool for complying.
The reader is torn: is her brother being mean—their father died years ago and their mother lacks travel companions—or is she indeed the family fool? She has young children and a tight budget, yet the holiday must cater to "Granny," making it less adventurous and more expensive than her siblings' trips. She wonders if her mother exploits her soft nature while leaving her siblings alone.
Compounding this, there is a glaring inequality in the inheritance, with the eldest brother receiving the lion's share. The mother has also helped raise his children but refused to babysit for the reader, even for an evening. The reader tries to accept this to avoid family conflict, but she is beginning to think her brother is right: she is a fool and needs an excuse to bow out of the latest holiday demand.
Advice from Annalisa Barbieri
There is nothing foolish about being kind, but kindness must come with boundaries. Clearly, fairness is lacking in this family. The reader is right to be angry with her mother for unequal treatment, but her siblings deserve even more ire. Instead of appreciating her efforts for their mother, they berate her as a fool.
The reader fears a family schism, but one already exists, and she is the bridge preventing it from widening. Before she snaps, she must take stock. Psychotherapist Prof Hannah Sherbersky notes societal expectations of daughters versus sons but emphasizes that the reader has agency. She is making a choice to be with her mother, which is wonderful; her siblings are missing that connection. The reader should consider whether she is being hoodwinked or performing a generous act creating special memories.
For her mental and physical health, the reader must set boundaries. She should identify what she wants to change—the financial burden, unfairness, or lack of appreciation. How much of a "fool" did she feel before her brother spoke? Asserting her needs and letting others deal with the fallout is acceptable if she can handle it herself. The key is finding a sweet spot that assuages guilt, addresses duty, and respects her own desires. Perhaps she can skip this year's holiday but plan the next with a firm "I can't this year, but let's look at 2027."
Once she finds this balance, criticism will bother her less, and she won't need excuses because she'll be leading from the front.
