Dear Vix: My Friend's Copying Habit in Her Forties - Identity Theft or Flattery?
The Independent's agony aunt Victoria Richards offers guidance on love, work, family, and relationships. Readers can email dearvix@independent.co.uk for anonymous advice.
Thursday 26 February 2026 06:00 GMT
In the 1992 film Single White Female, starring Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh, a woman becomes obsessed with her housemate, mirroring her life in unsettling ways. This cinematic scenario resonates with a real-life dilemma faced by a reader in her forties, who feels her identity is being co-opted by a close friend.
Frustrated Friend's Plea: "She's Taking My Identity Away!"
Dear Vix, I have an embarrassing and petty problem that's deeply affecting me. My closest friend keeps copying me, and at our age, it feels absurd. I'm in my forties, yet this issue is straining our friendship. I hesitate to share details of my life or even reply to messages, knowing she'll adopt them as her own.
Recent examples include her replicating my haircut, buying the exact same brand-new coat I coveted and purchased, and even acquiring the same car in the identical colour. More disturbingly, she's started mimicking my unique passions. Previously uninterested in film, she now mentions visits to the BFI and obscure festivals, even inviting me to a talk by my favourite director.
Why can't she develop her own interests? Shouldn't she have outgrown this copycat behaviour by now? I feel like my identity is being stolen, and it's frustrating beyond measure.
Victoria Richards' Compassionate Response
Dear Frustrated, I empathise with your situation. Copying and being copied are common experiences, but they're less expected in later life when individuals typically establish their identities. However, not everyone achieves this self-assurance, even by their forties.
Your friend likely lacks confidence and self-esteem. She may view you as bold and enviable—someone unafraid to make declarative choices, from a statement haircut to a passion for cinema. Her actions stem from admiration, not malice. While irritating, this perspective can foster compassion and empathy.
Practically, there's little to do about the copying. You might keep some interests private, as many adults prefer discretion. Confrontation risks harming a vulnerable person and damaging the friendship over superficial annoyances.
Remember, you are unique. No one can replicate your individualism, regardless of shared items or activities. Let her actions be without impact on your vibrant life. Focus on your own journey, and don't allow this to consume you.
For further advice on love, work, family, or relationships, email dearvix@independent.co.uk anonymously.
