A reader has written to agony aunt Coleen Nolan seeking advice about her husband's best friend, who constantly makes inappropriate comments about women. The woman says the friend is married to "the loveliest person", who she believes has no idea what he says when she is not around.
The reader's dilemma
The reader describes a recent incident when she was out in a group with the friend, and he began commenting on another woman's attractiveness while his wife was out of earshot. When she reminded him he was married, he replied, "I'm well aware of that" and carried on.
She says she hates how much her husband hangs out with him, but whenever she raises the issue, her husband responds, "He's just joking, he'd never do anything" or "He's a bit of a prat, but it's just the way he's always been".
The reader asks whether she is overreacting, noting she cannot tell her husband who to be friends with. She does not want to be in the friend's company but finds it tricky as he is part of a larger group of friends. She feels his wife ought to know what he is like when she is not around, but does not want to cause drama.
Coleen's advice
Coleen advises the reader to continue not excusing his behaviour: walk away, do not laugh at his "jokes", and call out anything offensive or inappropriate said in her company. She suggests letting him know it is not acceptable to speak that way in front of her, in the hope the penny will drop.
She describes the friend's behaviour as "peacocking and showing off" when his wife is not around, calling it "a bit sad and immature". However, she points out that just because the husband has been friends with him forever, it does not mean he agrees with what he says or behaves the same way when she is not around.
Coleen advises that if the reader really does not want to be around him, she does not have to be – her husband can see him for a drink on his own. But she says she would not tell the friend's wife what he says, as there is a high chance she already knows what he is like, and it might cause bad feeling between the two women.
Final thoughts
Coleen concludes that while we cannot pick who our partners are friends with, we do not have to get too involved. She suggests quietly removing oneself from gatherings or, if out and the friend is there, doing one's best to ignore him, adding, "It sounds like he's the only one being a prat!"
