A woman in her early 30s has written to advice columnist Coleen Nolan for help on how to fall back in love with her husband, admitting she feels bored, unhappy and lonely in the relationship.
In a letter to the columnist, the woman explained that both she and her husband work full time, have no children and enjoy a comfortable life with enough money and no responsibilities. Despite this, she says there is no passion left and the couple rarely have sex.
“It feels like we’re just treading water, but how can I tell him I’ve fallen out of love with him?” she wrote.
Wishing for a way out
The woman described her husband as a “good guy” who she loves and cares about, but said she is not in love with him. She admitted she sometimes wishes he would get into debt or have an affair so she would have a reason to end the marriage.
She added that her husband seems content with things as they are, with no big plans, no passions and little interest in having children. “I want more from a relationship and from life,” she said.
Advice: start by talking
In her response, Coleen Nolan advised the woman to start by talking to her husband, saying she is suppressing how she feels and letting everything happen, which means he thinks the relationship is fine.
Nolan drew on her own experience, recalling how she used to be annoyed by coming home to an empty fridge after working away all week. A therapist she saw for a Channel 5 show told her: “Have you ever said anything to your husband?” When Nolan said she shouldn’t have to, the therapist replied: “But he doesn’t and he’s not a mind reader.”
“Communication is everything,” Nolan wrote, adding that she is now much better at raising issues and life has become easier.
A chance to change
Nolan told the woman that hoping her husband will do something catastrophic is “a coward’s way out” because it avoids taking responsibility for ending the marriage. But she suggested the relationship may not be over if the woman admits how she feels and gives her husband a chance to be part of changing things.
She also noted that it can be harder to end a relationship when couples grow apart, and that people can hang on longer than they should, hoping things will magically change on their own. “That’s reason enough to end it – you don’t need another reason,” she said, advising the woman to have the conversation first and give the marriage one last shot after her husband knows how she feels.
