A woman in her late 60s, divorced three years ago, is in a three-month relationship that feels more like a “situationship.” She wants more but fears stating her needs could end the connection.
The attraction was instant and strong, and they see each other on weekends, partly because he lives an hour away. She has told him she would like more time together, but after his response, she decided to ease off and see what happens. She knows he likes her and is not seeing anyone else, but contact in between is sporadic and usually initiated by her. She describes the situation as “getting crumbs.”
Fear of Losing Him
She is scared of losing him if she states more definitely what she needs. It is difficult to meet men at her age, and while she has a full and active life, she craves the intimacy that only a relationship can provide.
Advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith says feeling like you can’t speak your wants out loud adds to the sense that they are scary. She says wanting to know if you can count on someone, or how they feel, are “pretty normal, humble things to want.”
Desires as Information
Saying you’d like something is not an ultimatum or a threat. Gordon-Smith says a person who can calmly and confidently express their desires is attractive and self-possessed.
Speaking the desire out loud is just giving him information, not even a request to make it a relationship. The more you present your desire as information rather than a demand, the more room you leave for him to say “that doesn’t suit me,” and the less you risk by saying it.
Knowing the Truth
Gordon-Smith says it’s unlikely saying what you want will determine his answer. Either he wants a relationship or he doesn’t, and that feeling is already a function of his time, emotional profile, and romantic history.
While staying quiet may feel safe, if the truth is he doesn’t want a relationship, it is better to know. She advises against trying to extract what you need by pretending not to want things, saying life is too short to subsist on crumbs for fear of what would happen if you said you’d like a meal.
