Being likeable is a skill that can be learned, not just a fixed personality trait, according to behaviour expert Vanessa Van Edwards. In her new book, Conversation, she outlines research-backed habits that make someone brilliant company, starting with the very first question you ask.
Van Edwards warns against opening with “Been busy lately?”, calling it possibly the single worst question at the start of a conversation. The word “busy” sends most people hunting back through their week for stress. Talking about your own busyness backfires too: research by Jessica Rodell at the University of Georgia found that people who brag about how stressed they are come across as less warm and less competent, and colleagues are less willing to help them. Instead, she suggests asking “What was the best part of your weekend?” or her favourite, simplest question: “Tell me something good.”
Storytelling and the information gap
Connection also depends on how you tell your stories. Analysing Howard Stern’s interviews, Van Edwards noticed he rarely starts a story cold, instead decorating it first with phrases like “Want to know the horrible truth?” or “Let me ask you a crazy question.” She calls this “conversational confetti.” It works because of what behavioural economist George Loewenstein called an “information gap”: once we sense there’s something we don’t know yet, we want to fill it.
Before telling your best story at dinner, she suggests trying “The weirdest thing happened to me last week…” or “Have I got a story for you!”, but only on stories and anecdotes that actually deserve it.
Ask for advice and keep turns short
One of the quickest routes to likeability feels counterintuitive: asking for advice. Most of us avoid it because we worry it makes us look clueless, but researchers at the University of Mannheim found that when we picture ourselves asking for help, we focus on how weak it will make us look, while judging others who do it more kindly. They call this the “beautiful mess effect.” Asking for someone’s advice also signals that you value what they think. If it works, go back and tell them “You were right.”
Brilliant company also knows when to pass the conversation back. Research finds that most turns last 15 to 30 seconds, and past 45 seconds it starts to feel like a mini-monologue. Van Edwards suggests keeping the phrase “And how about you?” handy, and if you catch yourself rambling, saying “Wow, that was a longer story than expected, let me give you a turn.”
React warmly and end on a high note
How you react to others matters as much as what you say. Van Edwards recalls her daughter Sienna once showing her a peanut butter sandwich rolled in yoghurt and saying “Isn’t this the best thing EVER?!”, to which she replied “Ew. Gross.” Instead of “yucking their yum”, she advises responses like “Huh! What made you try that?” or “That’s so you.” When someone shares something bigger, never leave them with “vulnerability regret”—reward them by getting excited with good news or slowing down for hard news, and show presence with nods and raised eyebrows.
Finally, brilliant company knows how to leave on a high note. A team led by Harvard researchers studied 932 conversations and found they almost never ended when both people wanted them to. Van Edwards advises pairing a compliment with your exit, such as “It’s been wonderful talking with you. I see the host over there, I’m going to say hi.” Her closing tip: pick one idea and try it this week, noting that if someone still doesn’t warm to you, you haven’t failed, you’ve found a filter.
