A man in his late 60s has revealed how two decades of feeling "trapped" by an unsellable property have led him to question his mental health and identity, in a poignant letter seeking advice on depression and life purpose.
Two Decades of Treading Water
The individual, who remains anonymous, described the past 20 years as "treading water," with all his financial resources tied up in a house that cannot be sold due to complex reasons. He and his wife, both creative types, have lived through this period of stagnation, during which he made impressive home improvements that wowed friends but failed to bring him deep satisfaction.
A Reclusive Nature and Personal Struggles
Despite the external admiration for his handiwork, the man admits to being somewhat reclusive, content with a small circle of close friends and disinterested in broader community involvement. His struggles intensified last year following the death of his father, which plunged him into a period of despair and suicidal contemplation, though he kept these thoughts from his wife.
Seeking help, he turned first to the Samaritans and then to a therapist. Another layer of his personal conflict involved cross-dressing, a practice his wife tolerated to a degree but never fully embraced. With therapeutic support, he broached the subject again with his wife, who surprisingly agreed to allow more cross-dressing in private at home, lifting a "great weight" from his shoulders.
Dreams on Hold and Mental Health Questions
His aspirations include selling the house to fund a new building project and travel, but the property's unsellable status has left him feeling as if he has "wasted so much time." This has led him to wonder if he suffers from mild depression, prompting him to seek professional insight.
Expert Analysis from a Psychotherapist
Elena Mundici, a British Psychoanalytic Council-registered psychotherapist, analyzed the case, noting that the death of his father likely acted as a catalyst. "Death of a same-sex parent can bring up all sorts of feelings about transience and mortality," Mundici explained, suggesting these emotions often manifest as questions about life's purpose and achievements.
She raised concerns that his mourning might be "stuck," potentially leading to depression, and questioned if his focus on a "next project" was an attempt to avoid processing these losses. Mundici described the house as a "golden prison"—impressive to others but a source of entrapment for him—and highlighted a discrepancy between external beauty and internal bleakness.
Regarding cross-dressing, Mundici interpreted it as a symbol of "an alternative life, the desire for something that feels inaccessible." She praised his courage in sharing this with his wife, emphasizing that "secrets can be painful," and noted the "energy" within him that seems hidden behind a screen.
Path Forward: Focusing on the Internal Landscape
While Mundici could not definitively diagnose mild depression, she stressed the seriousness of his suicidal thoughts and commended his engagement with therapy. She advised turning attention inward rather than outward, quoting George Eliot: "It's never too late to be what you might have been."
Mundici encouraged him to view himself as his "next project," leveraging his creativity and resourcefulness evidenced by seeking therapy and communicating with his wife. She suggested that selling the house might provoke fear rather than liberation, urging him to explore what makes him feel most authentic and whether property sale aligns with that goal.
Support Resources and Context
In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans offer support via freephone 116 123 or email. The US provides the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, while Australia has Lifeline at 13 11 14. International options are available at befrienders.org.
This advice column, part of a weekly series by Annalisa Barbieri, addresses personal problems submitted by readers, with submissions subject to terms and conditions and comments pre-moderated for relevance.
