The 'Ghost Pact': How Pre-Arranged Signs From the Deceased Aid Grief
I do not believe in ghosts. However, for those mourning a loss, receiving perceived messages from beyond the grave can foster a profound sense of connection with the departed. We all engage in absurd conversations with friends, but negotiating a ghost pact with my friend as she lay on her deathbed was, without doubt, the most surreal experience of my life.
A Humorous Agreement Amidst Tragedy
The pact itself was straightforward. After my friend Ruth Francis passed away, she was to send me a clear and humorous sign from the afterlife. Examples included a phallic shape in the clouds, breasts in tea leaves, or even kicking a can down the road. Bowel cancer claimed Ruth's life in her 40s, leaving her husband to raise their two young children, yet it never diminished her sharp wit.
In a cruel twist of fate, logistical nightmares caused by the US-Israel conflict with Iran prevented travel from Western Australia to Ruth's London bedside, as the kangaroo route dissolved. Consequently, the terms of our gone-but-not-ghosted agreement had to be hastily negotiated via text messages and voice memos during her final week.
I must emphasize—I do not believe in ghosts. This pact served as comic relief from an unbearably bleak reality. But psychologists, sociologists, and funeral directors unanimously affirm that searching for signs from the dead is not merely a quirk of the mystically inclined.
The Science Behind Seeking Signs
Unexplained coincidences, such as a clock stopping, a garden withering, or the sudden appearance of a familiar scent or sound, are common occurrences. University of Sydney sociologist Alex Broom describes this phenomenon as attunement to the unknown—a method of maintaining bonds with those who have died.
"We have largely removed the existential realm from everyday life, and it confronts us sharply when loved ones pass, because we still sense their presence," Broom explains. "Suddenly, our surroundings become filled with meaning. Rather than magic appearing, we begin to perceive the magic that was always there."
In earlier societies, ancestors, spirits, and unseen forces were integral to daily existence. Today, the modern world prioritizes productivity, schedules, and measurable outcomes, leaving scant room for the uncanny or existential, Broom notes.
Psychological Perspectives on Grief and Connection
Professor Lauren Breen, a psychologist at Curtin University, asserts that the instinct to find comfort in coincidences and signs is deeply rational. "When someone dies, the relationship transforms but does not terminate," Breen states.
She outlines various ways people intentionally sustain connections with the deceased, such as visiting meaningful locations or preserving keepsakes. However, Breen highlights that passive signs—those seeming to arrive uninvited—possess a unique potency. "If it elicits a smile, a giggle, or a sense of connection, it is actually very adaptive," she remarks.
Part of what drives this phenomenon is a psychological pattern akin to the Baader-Meinhof effect, where something recently noticed suddenly seems ubiquitous. Experts explain that our brains filter immense sensory input; once something becomes emotionally salient, it forefronts our awareness to prioritize threats, opportunities, or crucial social information.
The Baader-Meinhof effect intensifies during grief, as our brains are wired to prioritize emotionally significant data. A butterfly might always have been destined to alight on a windowsill, but now, observing it carries renewed weight. "We are thinking about that person, even if subconsciously," Breen clarifies.
The crucial question, she contends, is not whether such signs are verifiably real, but whether the individual experiencing them finds solace.
Insights from Funeral Directors and Grief Counsellors
Bernardine Brierty, a social worker and funeral director at Bowra & O'Dea with nearly three decades of experience, observes that mourners frequently attribute unusual events to the departed. Examples include the wrong song playing at a service's conclusion, a picture frame falling from a coffin, or an unexpected chill in a still room.
"I believe it is more common than assumed, and I wonder if we, as humans, transform coincidence into comfort. For instance, at a funeral, if the wrong music plays, families might say, 'Dad's having the last laugh,'" Brierty shares.
This theory manifests not only in chapels but also in living rooms and cars, where grief often strikes unexpectedly.
Geniene Mairata, a grief counsellor for the bereavement and trauma support charity Miners' Promise, notes that among the hundreds she has assisted, every individual has reported feeling a connection or sign from beyond the grave. "It provides powerful comfort in healing. We continue the bond with that person, and through signs, it offers a tangible method in a physical world," Mairata explains.
In grief, life draws attention toward life, and Mairata observes that people most commonly perceive signs in music, numbers, nature, and animals. "Animals and connections with nature frequently emerge, as they symbolize new life," she adds.
Cultural and Symbolic Dimensions of Grief
Broom also discusses the role of culture and symbolism in shaping grief experiences. Gardens, nature, and sensory cues often trigger memories or emotions, reflecting a deeper human need to connect and comprehend the world. "In Australia, acknowledgment of country, for example, involves recognizing interconnectedness with land, water, people, and ancestors," Broom states.
Breen advises that individuals should reach their own conclusions when a magpie tilts its head at a poignant moment or a favourite song plays on the radio exactly when needed. However, she cautions that grieving people are vulnerable to exploitation and should exercise caution with psychics, mediums, and online operators seeking to monetize the longing for connection.
Honouring the Pact
Ruth passed away on 24 March, but prior to her death, we agreed that "Daddy Long" would serve as our code word should a clairvoyant ever enter my sphere. I disclose this code here as I do not pursue such services.
What I do know is that when I surf in the ocean, I will glance skyward, and if something risqué materializes in the clouds, I will trust that Ruth is honouring her end of our unique and heartfelt agreement.
