In her late 30s, a woman with a supportive husband and a two-year-old son finds herself grappling with deep-seated social anxieties rooted in her teenage years. Despite her loving family, she feels like a "rejected teenager" when taking her child out, surrounded by groups of parents socialising together. This emotional turmoil stems from a history of severe bullying after moving schools as a teenager, which shattered her confidence and left her feeling "ugly, stupid, and unlikable" through much of university.
The Lingering Effects of Bullying
Her struggles persisted even after moving to London, where making friends proved challenging. While counselling and anti-anxiety medication offered some relief, she still finds it "incredibly difficult to trust people." Since becoming a mother, many of her friends have drifted away, including those made through NCT groups, leaving her convinced she has a "beacon over her head that says 'faulty.'" She yearns to understand what makes her seem "off-putting" to others, hoping to fix it and unlock the "big secret" of lasting friendships.
Expert Insights from Psychotherapy
UKCP psychotherapist Lisa Bruton emphasises that bullying can have a profound and lasting impact, shaping how individuals perceive groups as safe or unsafe. "We can get developmentally stuck back in a time when certain things happened to us," Bruton explains. She advises reflecting on what would have helped during teenage years and finding ways to procure those supports as an adult.
Bruton also cautions against romanticising friendships, noting that social media, TV, and films often portray idealised snapshots that don't reflect reality—such as friends cancelling plans or falling out. To combat this, she suggests seeking "positive experiences of groups that don't have to be mum groups," particularly recommending mixed-age groups to avoid triggering school-related memories.
Practical Strategies for Connection
For those struggling in social settings, Bruton offers actionable tips:
- In groups, try to "hook in on a slightly 'safer' person" to ease anxiety.
- Consider socialising with a partner if they provide a sense of security.
- Remember that not everyone in social circles will be a good fit, and it's okay to be selective.
Looking ahead, the woman's situation may improve as her son starts school, offering daily opportunities for small progressions in friendship during school runs. This environment will allow her to gradually build connections and assess compatibility with other parents.
Key takeaway: You are not faulty. Bullying's effects are real, but with targeted strategies and self-compassion, it's possible to navigate social challenges and foster meaningful relationships in adulthood.
