An 18-year-old university student has opened up about their personal journey, revealing a struggle with not feeling physically or sexually attracted to anyone. Having recently started university, they've been surrounded by peers discussing intimate relationships, which feels alien and unrelatable. This has led to questions about their sexual orientation, with the student initially believing they are straight but now uncertain due to a lack of attraction to the opposite sex.
Understanding the Transition to University Life
The transition from secondary school and home to university is a significant step, often underrated in its impact. This period of immense growth can prompt deep self-reflection, as individuals begin to see who they truly are. The student describes themselves as quite anxious, often feeling out of place in social situations, and wonders if this anxiety is linked to their lack of desire for relationships.
Expert Insights from a Psychotherapist
Duncan Branley, a UKCP registered psychotherapist, offers guidance on this matter. He questions whether the student has felt drawn to others in non-sexual ways and considers cultural or familial influences that might restrict their view of intimate relationships. Branley suggests exploring if relationships in books and films feel understandable or resonant, which could provide clues to their feelings.
Sexual orientation can vary widely, including straight, bi, gay, asexual, or other identities. It's possible the student is not yet ready for romantic or sexual exploration, making these concepts feel foreign. This is perfectly normal, as discovering oneself often involves interactions with others and understanding how we relate to them.
The Role of Anxiety and Self-Exploration
Anxiety can dampen sex drive for many people, potentially affecting physical desire and arousal. Branley advises keeping an open mind rather than rushing to a fixed label, fostering genuine curiosity. Reflecting on asexuality might help in recognizing one's own experiences. He emphasizes that not everyone feels about relationships in the same way, and differences should not be judged as better or worse.
Feeling safe is crucial for emotional and physical responses. When we focus on survival, even in everyday situations, it can be hard to feel anything else. The student is encouraged to seek support, such as talking to a university counsellor, which can provide perspective and alleviate worries.
Future Hopes and Practical Advice
One of the student's biggest goals is to have children, raising concerns about how their feelings might impact this. Branley reassures that there are many ways to have and raise children today, and while some routes may seem harder, they don't preclude the possibility. There is plenty of time to explore these options.
For now, the focus should be on self-care: thinking about what makes the student feel good and safe, being curious but patient with themselves. The world is just beginning to open up, and this journey of self-discovery is a natural part of growing up.
This advice column, part of a series by Annalisa Barbieri, addresses personal problems from readers, offering insights into family, relationships, and sex. Submissions are welcomed but subject to terms and conditions, with comments pre-moderated to maintain discussion relevance.
