A woman married for over 20 years is considering leaving her husband because his relentless work schedule is damaging their family life. In a letter to advice columnist Annalisa Barbieri, the wife describes how her husband's frequent late nights and weekend emergencies let their daughter down. When she raises the issue, she is told she must accept it.
Impact on family life
The wife, who also has a demanding job and runs the household, says she often thinks she would be happier alone with her daughter. She notes that her husband is not a bad person but wonders if life would be better on her own, despite having witnessed how hard breakups are for friends of the same age.
Barbieri, writing in The Guardian, points out that the husband also made a commitment to the relationship. She suggests that if the wife is alone a lot of the time, she may already be experiencing a form of separation. Barbieri consulted psychotherapist Chris Mills, who noted that the husband's commitment to work may be his way of contributing to family stability, but that excessive hours could indicate avoidance or a secret life.
Communication and respect
Mills said that if the wife's challenges always come across as criticisms without respect, the husband's defensiveness is not surprising. However, Barbieri adds that if he has never allowed discussion, he is not showing respect either.
Mills advised that if the wife no longer has significant feelings of love for her husband, separation would probably be the kindest solution. If she still loves him, he recommends seeking professional help to learn how to communicate around differences. Mills also questioned whether framing the issue around the husband's work is a way to find moral justification for guilt about no longer wanting to hold to the original commitment.
Next steps
Barbieri notes the wife's use of the phrase "my daughter," which suggests a splitting off from the husband. She concludes that vows and commitments are serious but not shackles, and that it is acceptable to say if the relationship is no longer working.
