A man has asked for advice after overhearing his wife and her sister criticising him while they shared a drink in the kitchen. He says he was shocked and upset to hear his wife tell her sister that she is sick of him doing nothing around the house, and to hear her picking his personality apart. He describes it as a character assassination.
Twelve years together and two children
The couple have been together for 12 years and have two children. The man believes he does his fair share of work around the house and with the children. He says his wife has not raised any of these complaints with him directly, so he had no idea how she felt.
He has not brought the subject up with her and has been stewing on it for a couple of weeks, getting increasingly annoyed. He also notes that he works hard, which enables her to be at home with the children, and that she has never complained about that arrangement or said she wants to go back to work.
Advice to start the conversation
The man says he hates confrontation but is aware he has been off with his wife and that she has probably noticed. In response, the columnist advises him to bring the matter up as soon as possible, warning that after two weeks of stewing, one minor disagreement could cause him to explode.
She suggests he does not go in all guns blazing but instead says something like: “Look, I didn’t want to say anything at the time, but I overheard you talking about me with your sister and I was upset by some of the things you said.” She advises him to start the conversation, listen, and try to keep the discussion constructive.
Communication is vital
The columnist also says he should tell his wife that if she feels unhappy about anything in future, it is crucial she talks to him about it, otherwise nothing can get solved. She notes that this applies both ways, as he has let the overheard conversation fester in his mind, making it a much bigger deal.
She concludes that both partners need to learn to talk to each other, as communication is vital. If they cannot be open and honest and work things through together, she says, they will not have much of a relationship. If they need help getting over certain hurdles, counselling would be a good idea.
