Neil Strauss, the American author best known for his 2005 bestselling book "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists", has revealed what he considers the 'number one sign' that someone will be unfaithful. In a recent discussion with US podcaster, author and former professional athlete Lewis Howes, Strauss explained that the key indicator is a psychological concept called enmeshment.
What is enmeshment?
During the conversation, Lewis asked Strauss: "Do you have any signs that you can see if someone would potentially would be a cheater?" Strauss replied: "Totally. How can you identify a cheater ahead of time?" He then described enmeshment, saying: "The big takeaway was understanding the idea of enmeshment, which I didn't understand. Enmeshment is... if abandonment is when the parent doesn't take care of the child's needs, enmeshment is when takes care of the parent's needs."
Strauss, who spent two years undercover within the seduction community under the pseudonym "Style", explained that people who have experienced enmeshment often find themselves drawn to partners they believe they can rescue or support. He added: "Then what happens is, they date someone they want to help and save because that's how they get their value. But after a while they can't really help save, change that person and they start to resent [them], like they did their parent, and push them apart and cheat or act out. They feel trapped."
Viral reaction and debate
The video quickly went viral, racking up more than 24,000 likes on Instagram. One viewer declared: "I think now when I think about it... I can relate a lot of people with this!". Another commented: "Nailed it." A third responded: "He is spot on with this,I have seen and witnessed it first hand and it totally makes sense to me now! Wish I've seen this clip before, it would've prepared me so much better for the betrayal I felt."
However, not everyone agreed with Strauss' theory. One person argued: "Totally disagree. I think enmeshed (as he describes) people are way more likely to stick around waiting on potential for too long. A better indicator is someone who does not love themselves in general... they will get frustrated and eventually resentful with you when the relationship does not fill the need that they are neglecting to do for themselves." Another commented: "I completely disagree. I used to have the fix mentality when I was married for 16 years and remained faithful. Divorced now and still not out looking to fix someone." While someone else remarked: "From my experience the avoidant attachment style is more likely to. The giver no, the taker yes... use and discard/dissociate."
Defining enmeshment
Others questioned Strauss' definition of enmeshment, insisting it 'wasn't right', with some contending he was actually describing parentification. According to The Attachment Project, an online educational platform devoted to teaching attachment theory, enmeshment is a psychological concept describing a relationship dynamic where personal and emotional boundaries are blurred, weak, or entirely non-existent. First introduced by family therapist Salvador Minuchin, enmeshment happens when two or more individuals - typically parents and children, or romantic partners - become so profoundly entangled that they surrender their individual identity, autonomy, and capacity for self-direction.
In the UK, approximately 20-36% of adults confess to cheating on a partner at some stage in their lives. However, because infidelity depends on self-reported data and is a highly sensitive subject, precise figures vary depending on the survey, the region, and how "cheating" is defined.
