A man in his early 40s is questioning whether his 20-year platonic friendship with a married woman has become unhealthy, after noticing he treats her more like a partner than a friend.
The man, who is also married with children, says the friendship has survived health issues, bereavements, breakups, marriages and kids. Both partners initially had questions but now accept the bond, as the pair have never been romantically involved.
Signs of emotional dependency
He admits feeling stood up and annoyed when she cancels a drink, gravitating toward her in group settings, and checking his phone excessively for her replies. If she doesn't respond, he worries something has happened to her—behaviour he doesn't show with any other friends.
“Has the friendship become unhealthy and do we rely on each other too much?” he asks. “I’ve never thought of her romantically, but I’m aware that the way I’m behaving feels like she’s a partner and not just a friend.”
Advice: Talk it out or step back
In response, the advice columnist suggests he question whether he's being fully honest with himself. Some behaviours, like feeling stood up and wanting alone time in groups, raise red flags, though worrying about a friend going quiet is understandable.
If the friendship is genuinely close, she advises talking about it directly—perhaps asking, “Do you ever feel our friendship is too intense or interferes with our relationships too much?” She notes he might find she doesn't think as deeply about it as he does.
She also suggests taking a step back to focus more on his marriage, adding that if the friendship is consuming his thoughts and taking time away from his family, he likely needs to rethink what's most important to him.
