Tom Kelly, a 35-year-old father from Huyton who appeared to have the "perfect life," has opened up about his mental health struggles to help others. He has channelled his experience into CLRTY, a community designed to help men connect, talk and seek support before they reach crisis point.
Tom was already struggling with his mental health while working in "a very public service role" when his wife gave birth to their second son at just 28 weeks. The baby spent months in neonatal care, suffering serious breathing problems because of his premature birth. According to Tom, the family "nearly lost him a couple of times."
The ordeal unfolded alongside the pressures of work and caring for the couple's other young son, who was just nine months older. Tom said it felt like there was "mountain upon mountain upon mountain" piling up around him, and he almost reached breaking point.
A turning point in the hallway
Tom told the ECHO: "I woke up one day. It was a beautiful morning - I remember it like it was yesterday. I was gutted, absolutely gutted that I woke up. I couldn't see my hand in front of me. I couldn't see anything."
"I gave my wife a kiss, got up, walked down the hallway, and I went into my youngest son's room. I gave him a kiss, said I was sorry. I went into my oldest son's room, gave him a kiss, and said, 'Daddy's sorry.' I thought would be better off at that point without me. But as I was walking out, I heard a little voice, which was my oldest son, just saying, 'Hi, Daddy.'"
Tom said hearing his son's voice brought him back to himself, and he realised his family needed him. Looking back, Tom said there was no single solution to what he had been experiencing, but that moment became a turning point.
Breaking the stigma
Tom said he had become accustomed to being the joker and hiding how he was feeling, but eventually the mask began to slip. "I shouldn't be here, but I am because my son saved my life," he said. "It's a mask that you put on. You're supposed to crack on, you're supposed to be strong."
"On paper, I had everything: I had a beautiful wife and two beautiful kids, but I was in hell. But it's okay to be upset, it's okay to be frustrated. You're not weak. That's the stigma that we need to break."
Tom also felt let down when he sought help, including by his professional organisation. While he was off work because of his mental health, he claims he was questioned about why he could not work when his wife was able to. He said he had struggled to find support that worked for him and felt that the help available was too generic.
Building CLRTY
It was from this experience that Tom began developing CLRTY, a community aimed at helping men connect with others, talk about their experiences and find support before they reach crisis point. He said it is not intended to replace professional mental health services. Instead, he describes it as a preventative community and a way of helping men find support earlier.
The app allows men to connect around shared experiences and interests, with more than 200 sports available as a way for people to meet others, form groups and build communities. For Tom, that social connection is an important part of the idea.
"It's about movement, community, getting together, going for the coffee," he said. "If I had somewhere where I could openly put in a chat, like on social media, and say, 'Boys, I'm really struggling with this. Does anyone have any ideas? Anyone going through the same?'"
"Mental health is completely a variety of emotions, a wave of feelings and everything, and it affects people differently."
Tom's wife has also channelled the family's experience with their son into helping others and has since become a midwife. He said: "My wife, she amazes me. She's now a midwife because of everything we went through with [our son]."
"Ultimately, I'm just trying to do the same for mental health, and for the men who don't want to talk, I'll be their voice. I'll bang the drum and keep on banging it until someone listens to me."
"You could have been through nothing. You could, on the outside, have the perfect, but you could still be feeling like everything is wrong. Everyone's got their story, and sometimes you just need to sit down and listen to that story, and then only then you truly understand."
