A husband has written to advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith about his wife's obsessive consumption of US news. She spends all day on the couch watching videos and reading opinion pieces, and every conversation turns to outrage. He has asked her to take a day off social media, but she refuses, and her stress is affecting him deeply.
The husband's distress
The husband explains that his wife is originally from America and has been living abroad for 25 years. She has family in the US, so he understands her need to feel connected. However, her constant consumption of news and opinion pieces is relentless, and it is affecting him more than ever. He stays up late playing games to wind down, and during those times he sometimes sits and cries. He wishes he could rip away her phone and let her breathe.
Gordon-Smith's advice
Gordon-Smith acknowledges that it can feel like an obligation of responsible citizenship to be distressed in politically distressing times. However, she notes that many thinkers argue it is also our job to cultivate hope and husband our emotional resources carefully to guard our capacity for real action. Endlessly scrolling platforms that want us to stay transfixed in horror is not the way to do that.
She suggests two strategies. The first is to repeat the request for less time on social media, but this time make it about how it affects him. When a partner's choice negatively affects us, it is tempting to litigate the choice itself, but the other person can disagree. However, she says, the husband is the authority on his own needs, and asking for her to put her phone away for his sake is something she can't disagree with.
Channeling distress into action
The second strategy is to meet her in her distress but rechannel it. Gordon-Smith suggests encouraging her to act on what's distressing her: organise, campaign, do things in the local area, give time with others, regularly. She argues that consuming information and feeling feelings do not discharge the burdens of political engagement; doing things, even small things, does. It can be an antidote to despair, getting you back in touch with good people, out of the house, and giving small victories.
Gordon-Smith concludes that suggesting the best use of her intelligence and empathy is not scrolling and debating but acting might make her feel less like he wants her not to care about something important to her, while helping him feel less like he's lost his wife. He can say: "I agree this is important, so let's make sure we have the energy to actually do things about it, and not let it eat our home and relationship too."
