Phil Wanless has spoken about the impact of his 20-year-old son Fraser's death in a powerful new documentary launched on Thursday to mark World Suicide Prevention Day.
Fraser was just eleven years old when he found his mum, Lisa, dead after she suffered a fatal epileptic seizure. The former Portobello High School pupil struggled to grieve her death, turning to substance use and experiencing difficult relationships before taking his own life in 2021.
A father's daily ritual and a sudden silence
Phil says in the documentary: “Fraser and I spoke every day, whether it was a voice call or a text. I hadn’t heard from him for a day, and that was very unusual.”
“I don’t believe he wanted to die. I just don’t think he wanted to live. He just didn’t want the pain any more. The boy that I brought up, bought his first football boots, and put his first Hearts top on, everything was gone in the blink of an eye. Part of my heart is missing. That’s the only way I can describe it. It’s not a cliché. Part of my heart is missing.”
“It broke us. It took a family that was pretty close, and broke us. I wish I had the chance to tell Fraser right now how much I loved him. It is Fraser’s story, but it could be anybody’s story.”
Grief leading to suicidal thoughts
The dad also talks about how his grief of losing Fraser led to him contemplating taking his own life. He said: “The impact of Fraser’s death was profound, and was felt from as soon as Phil learned his son was gone. Eventually, he also planned to take his own life.”
“There were no instructions on how to grieve. The only time anybody talked to me about my mind health was at the point of crisis. That has to be the wrong way round. Suicide is the end product, and it’s the permanent product. But the truth is, we want to reach anybody who’s feeling like that long before we get to crisis.”
“We need to stop the idea that the first time you get to talk to anybody is when you’re thinking about taking your life. We have to treat mind health as every bit as important as physical health.”
Teaching compassion from an early age
Phil wants the principles of time, space and compassion to be taught from an early age. He said: “In my whole life nobody ever taught me about compassion, and yet it’s one of the most important things in life. I think we should be teaching it at school.”
The 30-minute film is released by Suicide Prevention Scotland, the community of people and organisations delivering the Scottish Government and COSLA’s joint suicide prevention strategy, Creating Hope Together. Phil is joined by his partner Debbie Rowan, Fraser’s friend Darren Gallagher, Iain Corbett, a community development practitioner who has extensive experience working with young men, and John Gibson, founder of The Canmore Trust. John and his wife Isobel lost their son Cameron to suicide in 2019.
Suicide Prevention Scotland’s national delivery lead Haylis Smith said: “The film shines a light on the reality of suicide in a way that hasn’t happened before. I know Phil doesn’t think he’s extraordinary, that he’s simply a grieving father angry after the loss of his son. But Fraser’s death will not be in vain, because Phil, Debbie and their families have opened up their home and lives in a way that will help so many people think about how to support people who experience trauma. He is extraordinary, because Phil’s intervention will save lives. We might never know who, but it will.”
“We can see in the film where there were missed opportunities for time, space, compassion. It shows what their absence feels like, how much there still is to learn about reaching people long before a crisis and how we can all play a part in supporting people at risk of, or impacted by suicide.”
Maree Todd MSP, Minister for Mental Wellbeing, said: “Losing a loved one to suicide is a tragedy beyond measure and this documentary brings home the devastating impact. It also reminds us that opening up conversations about suicide and encouraging people to seek help can save lives. Our work on suicide prevention is informed and guided by those with lived and living experience. I am determined that we learn from Fraser’s tragic death as we continue that work to ensure that anyone with thoughts of suicide or impacted by suicide in any way gets the help they need and feels a sense of hope.”
