A father is at odds with his wife over her insistence that her mother, who has a drink problem, should look after their six-year-old daughter. The man, writing to an advice column, says his wife acknowledges the issue but makes excuses, claiming her mother only drinks in the evenings and would never drink while caring for the child.
The husband describes his mother-in-law as a "functioning alcoholic" and refuses to leave her alone with their daughter. He says his priority is their child, and though he gets on well with his mother-in-law, she uses alcohol to cope with her problems. He also notes that her husband left and she lives alone, with no one on the spot to help or check her drinking.
Father's Firm Stance
The man says he will not change his mind, as his priority must be their child. He believes his mother-in-law's drinking may have played a part in her marriage ending, calling the situation "a big mess."
In response, the advice columnist agrees with the father, stating he is not saying the grandmother cannot see her daughter, just that she should not look after her unsupervised. The columnist warns that if anything happened on her watch, the father would never forgive himself, his wife, or her mother.
Advice on Support and Denial
The columnist notes that while friends and family can advise and support, only the mother-in-law herself can change the situation. She suggests the wife contact Al-Anon UK, a support group for those affected by someone else's drinking.
The columnist also suggests that this situation could be an opportunity for the wife or others to speak candidly to the mother-in-law about her drinking and open a wider conversation. She adds that the wife might be in denial about her mum's drinking, but the father should convey that his stance is not personal, just responsible parenting.
Words of Wisdom
The columnist advises focusing on facts and what can be controlled, rather than dwelling on worst-case scenarios, and taking the next useful step while dealing with the present.
