Carol Speed, the mother of former Wales manager Gary Speed, has said she feels 'ashamed' that she did not recognise her son was struggling, almost 15 years after his death. Gary Speed was found dead at his home in November 2011, a day after appearing on Football Focus with presenter Dan Walker.
In an interview for the suicide prevention toolkit On Your Side, which the Prince and Princess of Wales have helped launch, Carol spoke to Walker on Channel 5 News. She described the aftermath of her son's death: "I was numb for a long time, when that numbness sort of cleared a bit I just wanted to go with him."
'I should've been there for him'
Carol said Gary is "always on my mind" and that she misses him every day. She added: "I feel quite ashamed that I should have known that he was struggling but he didn't give us any idea to look at him. He had a big smile on his face and he seemed settled but obviously something was troubling him. It's hard to come to terms with, even now after 15 years that, well, I should've been there for him."
Walker, who spent the day with Speed before his death, reflected on that final day: "I spent that last day with him, we were on TV together and I think most weeks I will think about things I should've seen that day or things I could have asked him. Could I have rung him on his way home? What could I have seen? I was somebody who was a good friend of his but I only came across him every now and again. You were his mum so that does hurt, doesn't it?"
'What's in your head'
Carol highlighted that despite her son's seemingly ideal life, appearances can be deceiving. "He had a lovely family, successful career, not short of money," she said. "And yet people on the outside looking in think what's he got to worry about, but it's just what's in your head isn't it." Walker agreed, noting that Gary was successful, had an amazing family, was doing well with Wales, and had a brilliant career, yet "everybody looked at that and thought how can somebody like Gary feel like that."
Asked how she gets up in the morning, particularly after the death of her husband earlier this year, Carol said: "With great difficulty. I don't know. I just go from day to day but it's hard to get out of bed in the morning, even now, after 15 years. Gary never spoke to us about it, we didn't have an inkling, and it was something that never crossed my mind. It always happened to someone else sort of thing."
Encouraging open conversation
At the end of the interview, Walker asked: "I don't end most interviews with a hug, but can we hug? Lovely to see you, look after yourself Carol." As part of the launch at Everton's Hill Dickinson Stadium, Carol also spoke to the Prince and Princess of Wales about her son.
She spoke about the stigma surrounding suicide: "Before Gary passed it was a stigma, it wasn't spoken about. Since then it seems to have come out more. People are talking about it more and it needs to do even more so." Her message was clear: "If people are struggling, talk to somebody and get it out in the open. Don't keep it to yourself."
