A reader is at breaking point over a close friend's crippling self-doubt, which has strained their eight-year relationship. Despite constant reassurance, the friend's negative self-talk persists, leaving the reader exhausted and unsure how to help.
The burden of constant reassurance
After every social event, the friend messages to ask if she annoyed someone, spoke too much, or embarrassed herself. In private, she puts herself down, calling herself fat, apologising for nothing, and claiming she's not good enough. The reader loves her and constantly reassures her that her thoughts have no grounding, but after years of this, she is tired and enjoys their time together less and less.
The reader hates to hear anyone speak about her friend the way she speaks about herself, and desperately wants her to seek counselling. Subtle pushes have not worked, and outright saying how she feels risks making things worse.
Why self-doubt resists evidence
Eleanor Gordon-Smith, advice columnist, explains that deep self-doubt is not normal doubt. It did not arrive with much evidence, and it will not be healed with it either. Moments where a self-doubter voices fears and another person gives reassurance are not like regular persuasion, because no amount of evidence works. They are more like a ritual where everyone knows their lines, and the self-doubter's opening move can be like a director saying, 'places, please'.
As the assurer, it is tempting to think the job is providing ever more evidence that these thoughts are wrong. That might be right, as many people learn they are lovable because someone proves it by loving them. But if, after years of reassurance, the self-doubt remains, the assurer might wonder whether they are unwittingly contributing to the cycle. Pouring in more petrol does not fix a leaking fuel tank.
A shift in approach
Gordon-Smith suggests that next time the friend initiates the ritual, the reader could engage with the fact that she has these thoughts, rather than argue with their content. For example, say 'It sounds really hard to feel that way' instead of 'That's not true', or 'That sounds like a really frightening idea' instead of 'I'm sure they didn't think that about you'.
This way, the reader avoids being pulled into a discussion about her friend's value, which will dead-end no matter what is said. Instead, the focus is on her experience of having these thoughts, without dignifying them as live hypotheses to refute. Rather than seeking ever-better ways to give reassurance, the strategy could be resisting the cycle.
