Loose Women panellist Charlene White has revealed she suffered a panic attack outside work while consumed by grief following her father Denniston's suicide. The 46-year-old announced last October that Denniston had died, and has now shared a heartbreaking post reflecting on the 12 months since his death.
Panic attack outside work
In an Instagram post, White described how she struggles to keep going. "Life has to continue. Which feels so cruel... when all you want to do is punch stuff and scream. Instead I go to work, and desperately try to keep it together," she wrote.
"Sometimes I pull it off, sometimes I don't. The worst was a panic attack outside work, a colleague managed to stop me from falling to the pavement and held me up as I struggled to breathe. My boss ran out and just held onto me, while regulating my breathing. Over and over again, I kept saying, 'I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.'"
Recalling the night of her father's death
White went on: "For a woman who likes to be in control, having no control over my body's reaction to grief in unexpected moments has been hard to expect." She shared a series of slides documenting the day she found out about her father's death, detailing that she had been out celebrating a friend's birthday before receiving a call on her way home just before midnight informing her of the death.
"I jumped out of the car on the main road, unable to breathe, gasping for air, and fell to the floor," she said. Upon arriving home, White said there was a "sea of flashing blue lights, strangers in uniform and an ambulance". After "running inside confused", she was told by a police officer "the truth that couldn't be shared on the phone" regarding the circumstances of her father's death.
Breaking the news and coping with grief
White was then tasked with breaking the news to family and friends as her brother and sister were out of the country. "It fell on me to make the phone calls that would break the hearts of family and friends. Those who loved him, those who grew up with him, those who held their phones in stunned silence and disbelief. I had to hold it together enough to make those calls. Responsibility trumped falling apart," she wrote.
She said she "refused" to tell her siblings the "truth" over the phone, but then had to "break their hearts for the second time… as their world shifted and broke into a million confused pieces". "When both finally knew, I fell to the floor and howled. A deep almost animalistic howl. The depths of my sadness finally set free now that we all knew the truth," she added.
White, who also presents ITV News and appeared on I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! in 2022, wrote that she faces an "almost ever present sadness in the pit of my stomach". "Anger, grief, confusion and sadness constantly swirl around in my hear," she continued. "Tears have been frequent and often this year. It's the not knowing why. We can ask the question into the empty space a million times, but there is no reply. There will never be an answer."
Urging others to seek help
The presenter said that "recovery and sadness" means she often does not answer the phone, does not attend events and has "many many unreplied messages". "Some days getting out of bed, parenting and going to work is all I can cope with. Most of my energy is spent on holding it together and not falling apart," she said.
However, she said her decision to share her journey of grief came after receiving letters, cards and messages from "other survivors left behind after suicide". "We chose to speak openly as we didn't want to live like this," she wrote, adding that in the past year four men she knows personally have taken their own lives.
"I hope that if someone reading this needs help, they talk rather than act. I hope they reach out for help, and don't make a decision which can't be reversed. The darkness will make you believe you're alone, please don't listen to it," she added.
In the post, White also thanked the police officers from Lewisham Police Station who responded on the night of her father's death, as well as the counselling team at the charity Suicide and Co, and her friends, family, partner and children. She shared links to Suicide and Co, Samaritans, Calm and Black Minds Matter.
White captioned the post: "In many ways I feel like I failed him, by not knowing what he was going through. I can wish for things to be different a million times, but wishing can't turn back time." A slew of celebrities including Dawn French, Judi Love, Denise Welch and Fleur East shared their support in the comments.
