A woman has written to agony aunt Jane O'Gorman describing a partner who is openly cheating on her and humiliating her, while her own family urges her to stay for financial security. Jane advises her to leave and focus on her own independence.
Signs of Infidelity Everywhere
The reader says her partner is deliberately heartless and cruel. He openly cheats and does not care that she knows. They share a car, and she keeps finding used condom foils on the back seat. There are hotel receipts in his trouser pockets and dirty, frilly pants in his work bag.
She feels as though he is rubbing her face in the dirt. When she asks what time he is coming home from work, he says 7pm. Yet at 10pm, with his dinner congealing in the oven, he is still not back. Finally, he bursts in, slightly drunk and stinking of musky perfume. When she mentions his untucked shirt and hair standing on end, he smirks: “The trains were terrible”.
No Support from Family
She knows he has been at his mistress’s flat again, and he knows she knows, yet they continue this “pathetic dance”. She asks why he does not leave if he no longer loves her. She complains about him to both families but gets no support.
She is advised to “put up and shut up” because he is rich and successful with a great future ahead of him. Her mother has turned a blind eye to her father’s affairs for the sake of money and keeping up appearances, but the reader says she is not her mother and resents being humiliated.
Money Over Happiness
Her mother says she should be thankful for a decent home and money to pay bills, but the reader asks if there is more to life than this. His family treat him like a golden boy who can do no wrong, and his mother has blasted her for criticising him. She has begged him to stop making a fool of her.
Everyone they know has a vested interest in staying on his good side. Her parents enjoy staying at his place in Spain, while his parents rely on him for cash top ups. She asks why she does not deserve loyalty or respect.
Jane’s Verdict
Jane says the problem is that too many people around her partner have their noses in the trough. From her freeloading parents to his adoring mum and dad, it is in none of their interests to upset the man.
Her mum may envy the home, but it is a gilded cage if she is not happy or appreciated. Jane describes the man as supremely arrogant and entitled, believing his money gives him the right to sleep with anyone he likes. Her own parents should be on her side, and it is disappointing they are not.
Jane advises her to accept that he is not going to change. If she is to retain a shred of self-respect, she probably needs to move on, considering her sexual health, self-worth and dignity. She should step away and think about her feelings and limits. If he openly has another woman in his life, then Jane thinks this should be the end.
On work and ambitions, Jane suggests looking at retraining if she does not feel stretched or going anywhere. She should consider courses or exams to make her more independent and fulfilled, thinking in terms of personal success rather than being his accommodating side kick.
