A reader writes about a friend who made them feel constantly on edge. The friend had childhood trauma and mental health issues, often playing the victim when friendships ended. After a year of supporting the friend through stressful times, the reader faced an outburst when they needed to focus on their own life. The friend blamed their trauma and mental health issues, but the reader realized they had been ignoring their gut feelings. They accepted an apology but gradually stopped replying, eventually ghosting the friend. Now they feel both terrible and relieved, seeking advice on moving forward.
Understanding Ghosting vs. Setting Boundaries
Annalisa Barbieri, the advice columnist, questions the term “ghosting,” noting it shifts blame to the person ending contact rather than the reasons behind it. She emphasizes that avoiding harmful situations is natural and that the reader’s guilt stems from sensitivity, not wrongdoing.
Psychotherapist’s Perspective on Intuition and Compassion
UKCP-accredited psychotherapist Noel Bell praises the reader’s self-awareness, noting that the “on-edge feeling” was likely intuition. He suggests that empathy and compassion may have overridden worries, leading the reader to tolerate toxic behavior. Bell stresses that trauma and mental health issues do not excuse mistreatment or abuse, and the friend’s claim that the outburst was “not personal” invalidated the reader’s feelings.
When Friendship Becomes an Unsustainable Caretaker Role
Bell explains that the friendship had become a caretaking role where the reader neglected their own needs to keep the friend stable. He asserts that ghosting was the only option after compassionate approaches failed. Anger, he adds, is a healthy emotion signaling boundary violations and self-worth.
Self-Care Over Selfishness
Bell reassures the reader that leaving the friendship was not cruel but an act of exhaustion and self-preservation. Choosing peace over emotional demands is self-care, not selfishness. The reader is encouraged to reflect on what else they could have done, concluding that nothing could have preserved their mental health.
