Sir David and Lady Beckham have submitted their 44th planning application for their Cotswolds mansion, Maplewood Barn, seeking permission to build an oak balcony. Since purchasing the property in 2016, the couple has repeatedly applied for additional architectural features. Vanessa Feltz, writing for Express.co.uk, offers unsolicited advice: "Don't be too disappointed if the council blocks the balcony." She argues that balconies are overrated, noting that she ended up with two balconies when she bought her house and finds them largely useless. "Balconies are fine for one thing – standing on them while declaiming 'Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo'. After that, it's all downhill," she writes. Feltz contends that the envisioned uses—reading, discussing literature, or breakfasting al fresco—rarely materialise, concluding that balconies are "a big fat waste of time."
Harry Styles and Zoe Kravitz Enjoy Normal Life on Hampstead Heath
Feltz contrasts the Beckhams' apparent need for additions with the low-key behaviour of global superstar Harry Styles and his fiancée, actress Zoe Kravitz. The couple was spotted enjoying a picnic on Hampstead Heath without fanfare, disguise, or bodyguards. "How is it that bona fide superstar Harry Styles and his actress fiancée Zoe Kravitz feel perfectly fine plonking themselves down for a cuddle and a picnic in the long grass of much-beloved well-used Hampstead Heath?" Feltz asks. She recounts her own encounter with Styles at a London restaurant, where he greeted her warmly. "I'm just wild about Harry," she adds.
Destination Weddings: A Costly Imposition
Feltz also criticises destination weddings, calling them "a cheek, an imposition, a drag and too bloody expensive." She notes that Tesco Bank found between 31% and 48% of guests invited to far-flung weddings politely decline. Feltz, who married off both her daughters in London, argues that weddings should be convenient for guests. "If the happy couple wants a holiday, that's what honeymoons are for. There's no need to force friends and family to join them on the flipping beach," she writes.
Defending Andy Burnham's Physique
Turning to politics, Feltz condemns mockery of Greater Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham's physique, specifically references to his "moobs" (man boobs). "Focusing on the fleshy mounds dimpling his T-shirt is infantile, objectifying and borderline misandry," she asserts. She warns that under Chancellor Ed Miliband, such gentle sniping may be missed as economic pressures mount.
The Case for Elevenses
Finally, Feltz laments the decline of elevenses, the mid-morning break for tea and snacks. She recalls her mother and housekeeper enjoying elevenses together, and the office tea trolley in 1980 that offered scones and chocolate. "Little did we know elevenses were heading for extinction," she writes, suggesting that Gen Z would be baffled by the concept. Feltz wonders if she should spearhead a renaissance of elevenses.
