If you have a problem that needs solving and don't know where to turn, look no further. Every day, the Daily Star's agony aunt Jane O'Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues with straight-talking but sound advice. From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues, drug use, and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of readers over the years and isn't slowing down. If you want help, write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Jane cannot respond to individual letters, and not all problems will be published.
Sex with Shy Boyfriend
Dear Jane,
Sex with my shy boyfriend has always been a bit odd. He insists I don't speak and always wear a blindfold during sex because he doesn't like being distracted or me seeing his naked body. He has hang-ups about his legs and privates and begs me to understand. I go along with these requests to keep the peace but don't like them. Now he suggests we try a 'soft swap' with his boss and his wife. He thinks we should invite them over and split into different bedrooms to see how we get on. No pressure. No promises. I don't know about this.
Jane Says: Will your shy boyfriend insist the woman he swaps with also remains silent and wears a blindfold? Call me a cynic, but he can't be all that shy if he's into partner swapping – soft or not. I suggest you think long and hard about what you want and need from a relationship. Don't allow anyone to control you or make you do anything you're not comfortable with. I don't like the sound of your guy one bit. I suspect he makes up the rules as he goes along and has a shady, kinky side. He's unhealthily dictatorial and controlling.
Ex-Partner Keeps Appearing
Dear Jane,
My ex-partner is like a bad penny – he keeps turning up. We officially split last September after he announced he no longer loved me and was having an affair. We started divorce proceedings. The problem is I'm still living in the flat we bought together. I'm buying him out, but the transaction is taking forever because he's dragging his feet and not answering emails. He has keys and keeps finding excuses to pop in. Every time my new boyfriend and I settle down to a meal or sneak into bed, I hear my ex's key in the door and the dreaded words: 'Ignore me.' He says he's looking for a favourite LP, shirt, or old tennis racquet. I scream that everything of his was packed up and moved out the day he left, but he continues to annoy me. I know what he's doing; he's actively trying to split me up from my boyfriend because the woman he left me for has dumped him. He's lonely and hurting, but that's not my fault, is it? He can't bear the thought of me being with someone else. Our flat used to be a place of love and warmth; now it's a battleground. We can never have a civilised conversation anymore because all we do is row and bicker. He hisses that I'm cruel for making him live with his parents. He won't accept any responsibility for our predicament. He's never once said sorry for cheating on me and letting me down. I don't care that he's kicking himself – he made his bed and now he must lie on it. I'm not wrong, am I?
Jane Says: I urge you to hold your nerve and try to get through this challenging period. At least you're not actively trying to sell your flat on the open market. You're buying your ex-partner out, and this transaction must come to a conclusion at some stage. Unfortunately, anything to do with buying and selling property is inevitably complicated and long-winded. Why don't you attempt to be the bigger person and ask your ex for an adult conversation in a neutral location? Point out that as soon as this transaction goes through, the sooner he'll get his money back. Surely he's not so contrary that he'd rather hold up the switch-over just to spite you? I realise leaving a place that holds happy memories and moving on is difficult. He must regret cheating on you and probably misses his old home and the relationship you once enjoyed, but he was the one who cheated and ended everything. What does he honestly expect? Try to appeal to his better nature. Suggest boundaries and rules regarding his keys and turning up unannounced. No one benefits from his games. The sad fact is your relationship is over, and you're not going back to him. You have a new partner now, and your ex needs to find a way to move on. It's that tough.
Daughters Only Want Money
Dear Jane,
My daughters only keep in touch because they want my cash. Despite being adults (30 and 32), they continue to rinse me dry. Last month I announced I was planning to donate to my favourite charity, and they both hit the roof. They called me selfish and vowed never to speak to me again. Now my eldest has finally rung to make peace. I'm fully aware she's only speaking to me again because she wants something – cash for a credit card debt and a holiday, I suspect. I'm so weary of their blatant greed. What must I do or say?
Jane Says: Put yourself first. Go through your money and work out what you need for current bills, a rainy day, and your future. Don't forget to factor in treats such as interesting holidays, meals with friends, and days out. The problem is your children are never going to grow up – or even respect your money – when you keep bailing them out. When on earth are they going to start standing on their own two feet? Make sure you conduct any future transactions on your terms. Tell your tricky offspring that their blatant greed and transparency sickens you. Would they bother to keep in touch if you were poor? It sounds as if you've already been more than generous with your funds.
Sex with Wife Changed After Affair
Dear Jane,
Sex with my wife isn't the same since I started having sex with the woman next door. The positions don't feel right anymore, and I want more from her than she is willing to give. She's not happy, as I'm no longer interested in giving her oral sex either. What can I do to sort this out?
Jane Says: Does your wife know you're having sex with another person? Are you practising safe sex, i.e., always with a condom, with both of them? Unless you have an open marriage, I think you need to decide who you want to be with full-time. It's unfair of you to have sex behind your wife's back and then expect her to perform the same acts as your girlfriend. Come clean and make a choice.
