Our daughter is 16 and has recently finished her GCSEs. The past year has been incredibly difficult for us as a family as she’s been unbearable. Nothing we do is right, she constantly starts arguments over the smallest things, and if we dare to say “no” to her, she threatens to go. In fact, she did go AWOL one night after an argument and turned her location off on her phone. My husband and I ended up driving around the town, trying to find her, imagining all sorts, but she eventually called to be picked up, and said she was just “taking a walk” like it was the most normal thing in the world at 9pm on a Tuesday night.
Struggling with the summer ahead
I don’t think my nerves can take much more of it – the shouting, name-calling, door slamming and sulking; it’s horrendous. The thing is, she’s always been happy at school, has good friends, and is lovely with everyone else except us. She acts like she hates us and has told us she hates us on more than one occasion. I don’t know where we’ve gone wrong with her and I’m dreading this long summer holiday before college starts with no break from her and no structure to her days. Our home life is miserable – can you help?
Coleen's advice
I think it’s mostly down to her age and I’m sure there are thousands of parents across the country who can relate to your letter. It’s a really tough stage. There’s a lot of pressure at this age – friendship dynamics (especially among girls), working out where they fit in and what they want from life, the stress and expectations around exams, and of course hormones, which play a big part, too. It’s easier to take out your anger and frustration on the ones you love because you know those people won’t reject you and that’s what she’s doing. It’s a safe space.
She might seem like she’s getting on great with school and friends, but teens don’t tell us everything. There are obviously things bothering her, so my advice would be to try to encourage her to talk to you honestly. Remind her that you love her and want to help; no subject is off limits. Don’t add fuel to the fire when she’s acting out, which I know is hard if she’s been rude or sneaked out of the house at night. She’s expecting you to react and for things to erupt into a huge row. All teens push boundaries, but you’ve got to hold your nerve and create an environment where they feel safe coming to you. Good luck.
Coleen’s words of wisdom
Don’t think of rest as a reward for being productive or working hard. Rest is an essential reset and it should be a regular thing. You don’t need to earn it or justify it to yourself.
